The Book of Janus
by notsosolemnly
Summary: Remus discovers a Book that could break The Curse. The only problem is that there are some that don't want that to happen. And just who is waiting for Sirius in the sewers? Warning: plot holes, inconsistencies, errors, slashy subtext if you want, language
1. The Letter

Title: Book of Janus

Part 1: The letter

Hogwarts showed movies every Thursday at 8 o'clock in the Great Hall. The most popular request for this week had been _the Rocky Horror Picture Show. _Sirius had known the words to all the songs before going in, while James had simply not been brought up watching musicals and thus had a lot of preconceived notions about them, namely that he wouldn't like them, especially if they featured Sweet Transvestites from Transexual Transylvania. It wasn't as if he was intolerant… But even if he ever had had such a streak, perhaps he owed it to Sirius' affinity for the glam scene and slightly flamboyant tendencies that he could enjoy it just a little bit, although it was in fact a terrible movie with only 2-3 good songs.

In any case, when the 100 minutes were over, they were both singing _Let the time warp begin! _and doing the moves. It wasn't even one of the good songs. It was one of the worse ones, as a matter of fact.

"Well that movie sucked, pardon my French" said Remus, who had in fact been brought up watching musicals of much higher quality.

"You take that back this instant!" Sirius pointed his shiny, ebony, 11 inches, vampire bone, wand at his throat.

"The plot made no sense and the songs were just not good. And I still don't understand what all those loonies were doing in that house"

"'Loonies'? Maybe next week when they show _Love Story _for the fifth time this semester you can go and throw some stones in glasshouses"

They sat down at the bottom steps of the stairs in the entrance hall.

"I want to dress just like Frankenfurther!" Peter blurted out. His cheeks turned rosy.

"No relative of mine ever dies and leaves me a giant house" Sirius put his hands to his cheek, moping over the fact.

"Like in _Young Frankenstein?" _ James asked.

Suddenly a barn owl swept by and dropped a letter in Sirius' lap. He opened it and unfolded the letter.

"Oh no!" he gasped.

"What?"

"A relative of mine just died and left me a giant house! My emotions are so mixed right now!"

"Anyone you like or hate?"

"Crazy Al. He would make Crazy Potions for the St Mungos Asylum Ward. But there's more: I have to stay there tonight!"

"If he had a cool, secret lab I want to see it!" said James. "We should all go"

They looked to the Great Hall. Cas was jumping around, singing _Dammit Janet _and having Mac and Lily doing the unenthusiastic '_Janet' _part. When she saw Sirius she swept up to him and seized him by both hands.

"_Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker! There's three ways that love can grow!" _she sang, heartfelt but slightly off key. "What's that letter?"

Cas could really go from hopelessly devoted to burning with jealousy in a flash.

"A relative of mine died and left me a giant house" Sirius explained.

"I'm so sorry! Are you ok? Do you want to cry?" she squeezed between James and Sirius and started fondling Sirius' hair.

"No, I'm good" Sirius tried to move away from her, not liking much having his hair fondled, but he was already pressed against the banister. Cas snatched the letter and read it for herself.

"Oh, can we come too, can we? Please, please, please?"

"Sure"

McGonagall was the last to come out of the Great Hall.

"Professor McGonagall!" Cas shouted. "Can we all go away tonight?"

"Where to, Miss Meadows?"

"We all want to see the house that Sirius' crazy uncle left him"

McGonagall inspected the letter closely, performed several charms to make sure it wasn't fake in any way.

"I assume you all want to go, although I don't see why that would be necessary"

"Emotional support" said James. "It's a… It's a tragedy! Look, look how upset he is!"

He nudged Sirius, so he'd stop putting Frankenfatty make-up on Peter (and giggling at the word _Frankenfatty)_.

"He seems very upset" said McGonagall dryly.

"Obviously I'm.. I'm…" Sirius struggled to find the words.

"Coping" said Remus. "With a project. Very common coping strategy"  
"That"  
"I still don't see why you all have to go" said McGonagall. "Especially considering _some _of you" she fixed her eyes on James. "Have detention"

"Can't you move it, please, please, please?" James put his hand together and channeled his inner Bambi. A moth fluttered by and landed on his nose, and it took him much self-restraint not to scream and flick it off violently. McGonagall sneaked up to him, stared at the moth for a moment before she closed her thin fingers around it and put it in her mouth a second later. It was quite disgusting, she seemed to think so herself.

"Ahem… No one saw that"

"So may I?"

"Yes, you may" she coughed up the moth and put it in a nearby Ficus pot. "Double detention for you tomorrow"

"Thank you Professor, you've always been my favourite!"

"I know"

McGonagall passed them as she went up the stairs and left. Sirius looked after her.

"Mine too"

"Yeah, the _way _you just said that" James frowned. "You do realize she's, like, 50"

"And fine for 50, too. What? Some of us like them mature. I wonder if she got my poem…."

"The _Be my Mrs Robinson _you wrote for Valentines day? Yeah, I'm sure she pasted it in her diary"

"I was hoping for a 'talk'…"

"Crushing on a Professor is just messed up" said Cas surly.

"You do it all the time!"

"That's different! It's a well known fact that girls mature faster than boys, and furthermore, I've never crushed on anybody over 40"

So now that they had permission to go, they all went on their merry way.


	2. Sycorax Janus

Part 2: Sycorax Janus

The dusty old attic of Grislyrust House harboured, among other crap, a karaoke machine. Or, Cas called it a karaoke machine although it was a regular record player and a bunch of records she thought it would be fun to sing along too. She had brought it down to the parlour and put it on the coffee table.

"Your crazy uncle had good taste" said Cas, selecting from the collection of records _Tina Charles' I Love to Love _album. She put the needle to the track she wanted to sing along to, nodded her head to the intro, hairbrush ready.

"_Oh, I love to love! But my baby just loves to dance, he wants to dance, he's loves to dance, he's got to dance!"_

The higher notes cut like a knife in the heads of the audience, but she had improved, for what it was worth.

"Somebody make her stop" Lily covered her ears, pretending to adjust her earrings.

"I know how to save your precious ears" said James gallantly.

"You do?"

_Some night, instead of going downtown, we'll stay at home and get down, to what I try to SAAAAY!_

"But, it will cost you" said James, not so gallantly.

"Cost me _what?"_

"Which do you prefer: going downtown, or stay at home and get down?"

"You're a prat"

"And yet, here you are…" James stuck his earplugs back into his ears.

"You have _earplugs?"_

"What's that? I can't hear you for these earplugs"

"Do you have extra pairs?" Sirius asked.

James tossed earplugs to everybody except for Lily.

"Looks like I'm out"

Fortunately the singing came to an end.

"So what did you think?" Cas asked them all expectantly.

"That… sure was!" Lily clapped.

The ones with protected ears jumped a little when they saw her clapping, not having realized the shrieking had ended, and started clapping as well.

"My ears have never before been put through such an experience!" said Mac quite loudly.

"Why are you shouting?" Cas asked. Mac stuck her hands under her frilly curls and removed the earplugs. Then she went to the bookshelf across the room.

"Someone else can go next if they want" Cas smacked James on his legs, that he had stretched out on the sofa, so she could sit next to Sirius and fondle his hair, who in spite of the discomfort it caused his sensitive follicles, didn't say anything. They were on-again-off-again so much that you could never keep up, but this self-restraint did seem to suggest they were still off. For some strange reason he was always more dismissive and impatient when they were on.

"Aw" said James. "Now I want a puppy"  
"You're just jealous that you have to fondle your own hair, and other things" said Sirius.

"Watch your mouth when there are ladies present"

"I will have to agree with Mr Hypocrite" said Lily, getting up to join Remus and Mac by the bookshelf.

"When have I ever been a hypocrite?"

"How about the time I was feeling anemic and you offered me fruit- from your pants. And the time I was locked out in the cold and you offered me warm space- from your pants. Or the time I had lost my pen and you offered me yours- from your pants. Not to mention the time the kitchen was out of tea bags…"

"Don't forget the time you needed your ink bottle refilled" said Mac.

"If you're out of examples" said James. "I could get you some-"

"I don't want anything from your pants, no now, not ever"

When Remus had looked through every book, he went for the door.

"Well, I think I will… look around a bit-"

"He's going to look for a library, somebody stop him!" said James and cast a jinx that made him trip over. A pair of lollipops flew up his nose as a response.

"You're not getting out of karaoke night that easily!" Sirius tried to cast a giant bubble after Remus, but alas, he had gotten away.

"I also want to look for a library" said Mac and left the room along with Lily.

Sirius put the eyeshadow back in his make-up kit as Peter went to look in a mirror.

"I want to declare war against the swots" he said.

"Yes" said James. "If there is a library we must protect it, as if it was our colony!"

"But we will need a flag!" Cas pointed out. "No flag, no country"  
They all sunk deep in thought, wondering where they could get hold of a flag. Then James snatched the table cloth and ripped it in half.

"Now we need some kind of pole to stick it to"

"A rolling-pin pin!" said Cas. "To the kitchen!"

The found a rolling-pin in the kitchen drawers quite quickly. Cas removed the inner pin from the outer pin and gave it to James, so he could attache the glue they had brought and stick the piece of cloth to it.

"So my fellow Winlishmen and women, what design should the flag have?" Sirius asked, uncapping a felt pen.

"Give me!" James took the pen and started drawing on the flag.

"What's that? A turnip?"

"It's an _onion. _And his name is _Jack. _Get it?"

"Jack the Onion, awesome…" said Sirius, not terribly impressed. "Does he colonize through the power of eye irritating gases?"

"_You're _the eye irritating gas…" James muttered. "Anyway, we must make haste before the enemy gets Libraristan!"

They all did a salute before running off again.

This big fancy mansion was complete with the ominous and badly lit corridors and spider webs in the corners. Decorative spider webs had really caught on. You truly could make a business out of anything. Remus was rubbing his hands together.

"If I was a library, where would I be…"  
They stopped at yet another dead end. Mac lifted a candle from its handle and the wall spun around to reveal yet another jib entrance. The late previous owner seemed to have been quite a fan of those.

"This is getting old" she said when putting it back on the other side.

"Why are all the torches lit, we just got here" said Lily.

"Sensor Charm?" Mac suggested.

The room behind the jib wall turned out to be a prison hole full of decaying skeletons. Nothing of interest, in other words. Remus kicked a skull before leaving the prison hole again.

"What sort of respectable mansion doesn't have a secret library of secret literature?" he muttered bitterly.

They turned back a little bit from where they had came, and turned right where they previously had continued forwards. Suddenly a stream of white light streamed by them, forming before their eyes the shape of a large turnip with a surly face and carrying a shield. It held in its other turnip hand a scroll that it tossed their way. Mac caught it.

"'_War has been declared against you! Be prepared to surrender Libraristan! Lots of kisses, the Kingdom of Winland'" _she read.

"Is that supposed to be a pun of 'Finland'?" Lily asked.

"No, it's a pun of 'England'!" came a voice from around the corner. "_Duh!"  
_"Well, it sounds more like a pun of Finland!" Lily shouted back.

"We are _Winlish, _and not _Winnish! _ And we have declared war against you frog eaters!"

The last part made them very offended.

"Did you just call us _France?" _Mac asked.

"We don't want to be France!" Lily protested.

"Finland isn't even a monarchy" Remus suddenly mumbled, a bit late to the party and slightly absent mindedly. "Just saying, it wouldn't have made sense for it to be a pun of 'Finland'"

You could hear eyes being rolled behind the corner.

"_Ha!" _the corner voice then said.

"Doesn't mean they wouldn't make the mistake of thinking it was, 'though" Lily pointed out, and added to the corner. "_Ha!"  
_"We totally knew that!" retorted the voice after some consideration. "So just surrender, _sil vous plait_, and things won't have to get ugly!"

The library hunters exchanged looks, silently wondering if this meant the library was close. Then they whipped out their wands and ran towards the corner, very prepared to jinx some ass.

All kinds of spells in all kinds of colours shot out of the wands, making the enemy doing all kinds of things such as falling, crashing, somersaulting, pirouette, twist like they did last summer and making jumping jacks to name most of them. They ran and tumbled about like this through several corridors and jib walls until at last a wall parted like curtains and revealed to be the entrance to the library, also revealing a glorious labyrinth of shelves stacked so tightly with fat books they looked positively ready to burst. Winland blocked the entrance, prepared to guard it fiercely.

"You guys are four to three!" said Mac.

"Not that much of an advantage" said Sirius. "Although I could take on all of you on my own blindfolded, hands tied, mouth sewn shut, brain dead-"

"Why don't we try one at a time, in that order?" Remus made the thick webs in the corner wrap around Sirius eyes in several compact layers, but he retorted with casting the _Spider Flock Charm._

Plenty more spells flew, at first they seemed to compete in being the most creative, but when that took too much thinking time they returned to mainly stupefying and jelly-legging and other charms that involved a lot of falling and crashing, as if they were trying to see who could give the strongest concussion. Peter was the first to fall at Macs' wand, and in the most unintentional and interesting way too. He had been knocked into a shelf, and then a book had fallen down on his head and sucked him in. Remus was quite jealous, thinking that was how he'd like to go some day. This didn't stop the dueling, 'though, they all thought that other thing could wait. Making sure the nerds didn't get in was simply a bigger priority.

No matter what creative or violent charm you cast, when it came to amateur dueling, you were defeated once you were disarmed.

Cas fell second, also at Mac's wand because she didn't feel like prolonging this much longer.

"I want my wand back!" said Cas, wincing from the pain her back had suffered from flying into a stone wall.

"Sorry, rules are rules" Mac waved both wands.

She managed do dodge a couple of spells that sent her running down several ominous corridors until she started to suspect she had gotten lost. But she wasn't the only one to have wandered off a bit too far. When she turned back the library was unguarded. She approached it cautiously, looking out for other duelers, keeping her senses sharp, so ready for anybody to jump in front of her and so unprepared to be hit in the back. She fell to the floor as her two wands flew out of her grip. Behind her, somebody whistled the team from _The good, the bad and the ugly. _

"This town aint big enough for both of us!" said Sirius, twirling three wands, but he got knocked of his feet just as he was going to turn back.

"No. It isn't" Remus passed by him, holding four wands, seeing nothing but an unguarded library.

"Look out!" Mac pointed to the left, but he warning came far too late, like warnings in duels often did. For some reason, you couldn't be disarmed without also flying backwards.

"How could you be so terrible with _four _wands?" James looked down at him. "I am _very, very- _I saw that!"  
He backed, just in time for a disarming spell to swish by him. Studying where people looked, or tried not to look, could be pretty handy. He turned right and cast several disarming charms at Lily, without any break, and the way she repelled them did make her look like a fencer.

"Wow, five wands!" she struggled with juggling the dodging and being cocky. "How can you… be so… terrible! You do… need them all!"

Eventually she had to take refuge behind a corner, unwillingly because it felt a little bit like cheating, but then, so was dueling with five wands. Well, obviously using five wands against one was beneath James and he had kind of just wanted to prove that he could, so now that he had, he dropped four of them and went to knock down the last enemy on more fair terms.

The fallen ones got up again and took their wands. But when they looked to the library entrance they saw that it had closed and lifting the torch from its holder yielded no results.

"It was here" said Mac.

"It must have changed locations" said Remus, looking for direction clues.

"Why is that your first hypothesis?" Sirius asked.

"Do you have a better one?"

"Maybe it was a _mirage!" _ he wiggled his finger eerily.

"No" said Remus, not always picking up on sarcasm. "What would be the point of that? There was a library there, now it's not"

"What if the opening was timed somehow" Mac suggested. "And you simply have to open it a different way"

"Can't we do karaoke?" Cas asked.

The real question was if they could find their way back at all. They tried to recall the path they had taken and follow it, but still ended up coming across things they didn't recognize. Such as trap doors. At this point it seemed impossible to know how to get back to ground level, so they thought they might as well conjure a pole to slide down. It's wasn't as if they couldn't apparate if they absolutely had to. This made them feel like firemen and strippers, whichever was up to them.

"Firemen and strippers…" Sirius kept saying when they had all made it down. "If I was a standup comedian, I'd do a number about firemen and strippers. 'Hey!' I'd start with. 'Have you noticed that firemen and strippers are the only two people who use poles? How about that?' Yes, I know it needs work, stop groaning"

"Maybe something about how firemen are overdressed and strippers are underdressed" Cas suggested. Mac chortled all of a sudden.

"What?" Cas asked.

"Well, I can think of one more thing they have in common" Mac could barely contain her chortles.

"Besides poles?"  
"They both, I mean… One could, if one has… No, I can't make it work! No scratch it, strippers are not the same as prostitutes, are they…"

"Can you imagine if they traded jobs…" Sirius mused on. "If you put all strippers in a fire station. Obviously there are stripping firemen"

"I think a stripper would be very good with a hose"  
"A firealarm once went off at a club. The strippers managed to put out the fire before the firemen arrived, without any fire extinguishers and with the help of a few guests"

He decided to let that sink in with the others.

"Were there any hoses?" Remus asked.

"No, that's my point. No extinguishers of any kind"  
"Was this a muggle club?"  
"Yes"  
"Then it must have had plumbing and buckets"  
"_Buckets?"_

"Containers of some kind, to fill with water"  
"I agree, you can't leave holes like that" said Mac.

"That's what _she _said" said Sirius.

"In your stand up routine, I mean"

"How they did it was supposed to be subtext. Up to interpretation"

"It doesn't work, because they had other more efficient options. Like buckets" said Remus.

"Only a boring person would think that _buckets_ was the punch line"

All corridors looked exactly the same, with the same torches on the walls, same stone surfaces and damp air. But no area had been spared from being decorated with spider webs and fang less dwarf bats. And even more seemed to be lurking in the dark.

"Ah…ah…AH-TCHOO!" Cas sneezed. "Anybody else feeling a bit lightheaded and as if their throat is closing?"

"I do" said Remus.

"I don't" said Mac, feeling something brushing up against her leg. "What's a cat doing down here?"  
Sirius picked it up.

"I'm going to put a piece of bread around your face, goochi-goo- Ow, it bit me" he put the cat down. "I'm going to name it Remus"  
"Is that how desperate you are to cuddle me?" Remus rolled his eyes.

"And put a piece of bread around your face"

The ominous corridor parted in two directions just here. To the right they could see stairs spiraling upwards and hopefully it was not a mirage. Everyone except for Sirius went that way, for he had seen the cat sneaking back into the dark whence it had emerged, and he was quite curious to find what could be of any interest to a cat back there.

After all the identical looking corridors and walls at this place, this one started to offer some diversity. Paintings started popping up on the walls, portraits of rich and pompous relatives in white fluffy 18th century wigs and puffy renaissance mink coats. They didn't hang in any particular order, and certainly not chronologically by the looks of it.

These portraits were all very boring to look at, and Sirius was busy trying to come up with a cat meme when all of a sudden he could in the corner of his eyes see one of the portraits blinking. And these portraits weren't of the variety where the subjects came and went as they pleased. Nobody lived in these portraits.

He stopped in his cat meme thoughts and went to inspect the portrait up close. It was, according to a little sign beneath, a portrait of widely renowned muggle hunter Azazel Crool, who so famously kept Diagon Alley free of mudbloods for 13 years with his successful Kill Them All campaign between 1310 and 1323. Sirius took a moment to recall the bedtime story it had inspired. It even had a lullaby based on it. _Lullaby, say good bye, to your life you dumb mudblood. _That was all he could remember. Azazel sported a thin moustache and a hook for a right hand, something that made him resemble a pirate quite a lot. He had been the last of the Crools, but his sister Hecate Crool Morderer had married the much respected and honoured and awarded practitioner of advanced dark arts Abaddon Morderer, or as he had come to be known as, Abaddon the Black. But he did no blinking or smirking. It was Azazel, the portrait right next to Abaddon, that had blinked, Sirius was sure of it.

So he thought, he could stand there and reason and wonder here and there about this and that. Or, he could blow the wall to pieces and find out that way if the library location was behind it. He chose the latter.

The wall fell into pieces like a landslide, and there was that library. And not just the library, but also Crazy Al, dressed as a safari guide and carrying a suitcase, very much alive and looking shocked at the wall that was now missing.

"Those were… nice paintings!" he said, upset.

"Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Sirius asked.

Al turned away, dramatically.

"Yes, I know, it was all a lie. This must all be very, very upsetting for you"

He glanced back at Sirius, who seemed to have been distracted by a bowl of Unforgivable Toffee. (He hadn't had those in _ages, _because they were banned for containing fairy babies, but they were _so good!) _They came in green, red and blue and they exploded a bit in your mouth.

"What is upsetting?" he asked, muffled. They did get stuck in your teeth, that was annoying. But worth it. "Where did you get these?"  
"But you see, I had to fake my own death!" Crazy Al went on. "I had to get away from them all! Oh I can't imagine, how sad you must have been!"  
"Did you import them, and if so, from where?" Sirius unwrapped a red one next. Red was cherry, blue was blueberry and green was grape.

"Sam makes them, you remember Sam? Sam Mauvais from Darts Supplies down in Agony Alley? Or rather, his wife makes them but he sells them. But you have to ask for them, they are not exactly on display. You need a code"  
"What's the code?"

"What was it, something with unicorns…" Crazy Al tried to remember. "Yes: '_The unicorn convulses not once, not twice but three times before it dies'_

"Couldn't he have picked something less miserable sounding?" Sirius asked, writing it on his hand.

"It's culture. It's a proud and ancient tradition, hunting for unicorns and using their horns as ice cream cones. The horns on the young are quite crispy" Crazy Al sighed. "Sometimes I just _hate _being all _good _all of a sudden! The things we have to give up! Unicorn cones and unforgivable toffee"  
"Well, now you know what vegetarians feel like, and besides, you haven't given up any of those"  
Sirius shook the box of unicorn cones that stood on the same table as the toffees. One left.

"I have, too, I just… So what if I have it sometimes? Is that such a big deal? Get off my back!"

"So you faked your death to get away, or what?"  
"Yes. I just couldn't live like this, in this house. My brothers and sisters pestering me, trying to fix me, insisting I'm not too old for Pureness Pride Camp. I mean, really! They are between 5 and 15, the kids at those camps!"

"You'd be mistaken for a molester"

"Maybe if these thoughts had come to me as a child I could have been fixed, but it's too late now. So I've decided to just leave everything behind. Fake my death so nobody will try and pester me while I go and start a new life. It's just as well you found me, because I need somebody to burn all the books"  
"Why can't you burn them?"  
"Because they are special! I couldn't, I'd chicken out! They are rare hardbacks, some the only of their kind in the world. It has information on all kinds of dark magic. If they found out I don't care about muggles all that much, they'd want to take them away from me! I can't let them have them and I can't take them with me. And I have no real use of them. Please, just burn them"  
"But… Look, I love burning down rare hardbacks as much as the next guy, but think of the money!"  
"Yes I know they have a historical importance"  
"Which means money!"

"Please will you just burn them so I can start a new life elsewhere? You're the only one I trust"  
"Where will you even go?"  
"Some place tropical" Crazy Al put on a hat. "That has jungles and lianas, where you need a kind of sword to cut your way through like in the adventure films! Where there are treasures and temples and indigenous women! I'll try to write! Oh, I almost forgot!"

He lifted the bowl of toffees from the table and _Dantes' Inferno _ it had been placed on and gave it to Sirius.

"I believe one of your guests got sucked into this one. Well, take care!"

With that as his final words did Crazy Al at last disapparate to embark on his new adventurous life in the tropics.

Sirius looked around at the disorganized ocean of books that had already been arranged in a bonfire pile. It was the fifth of November, so what better time to set it all ablaze than today? He tossed _Dantes' Inferno _into the pile, wondering what it was doing in his hand and remembered just in time why it had been given to him, and not really needing more parents upset with him did he take it out again and tossed it on the table. He pondered what fire spell to use. Libris Infernis would probably suffice, that way nothing else would burn.

He was halfway though uttering the incantation, when suddenly he was attacked from behind and pulled down to the floor.

"N O O O!" Remus tried to take Sirius wand from him by force, since he had earlier been disarmed by Cas for trying to break that record player. "Give it!"  
"No! Get off! Everything is mine and you have no say!"  
Remus had read enough martial arts book to know how to keep another person pinned down in spite of being physically less strong.

"Give it! I can't let you do this!"  
"I made a promise! Were you dropping eaves the whole time?"

"It wasn't very hard considering there was no wall!"  
Sirius could keep fighting Remus off by putting his hand on his face, but he could also put his wand down his pants just to see how desperate he was.

"Doesn't mean I'm not happy to see you"

"What do I care where you put your things, as long as nothing important get burnt"

"Sit on me all you want. I know you've always wanted to"

"That's not going to work"

"_Sit on my face and tell me that you love me!"  
_"I don't care what you promised! Although, you didn't actually promise anything"  
"Yes I did. Nonverbally"

"I doesn't matter! You just don't burn down rare books! You just don't!"  
"Says who?"

"There could be really important information in there!"

"It's all Dark Arts. The world is better off without them"  
"'Dark Arts' is an umbrella term-"  
"Here we go… I can't believe you're defending it"

"I'm _not! _Dark Arts has no clear definition. It's just anything that's morally in the grey area sometimes"  
"You sound like a total Death Eater"

"No I don't! You're not listening!"  
"No, because I've heard it a billion times"  
"Truth serum was once classified as Dark Arts, did you know? But then the aurors thought that, hey, we can use this in our investigations! And so they passed a law to allow it"  
"This is different"  
"Love Potion was also classified as Dark Arts once. Now it's legal for… Who knows why…."  
"So you agree that it should have stayed illegal, just like truth serum?"  
"The point I'm trying to make, is that it's the ministry that dictates what is Dark Arts and what isn't"

Lying on the floor with a book under his back was getting uncomfortable, and of course Sirius could just as easily cast some throw-back spell. But perhaps things wouldn't have to get that ugly.

"I can assure you, those books aren't some 'Dark-Arts-Light-Gray-Area' books. It's darker than anything you have heard of so far and of no use for you"  
"'Use'? I don't want to use any of it. But it might be handy for someone in some way… People could be saved! You should consult Dumbledore, I'm sure he'd agree with me"

"I always thought he was mad, too"  
"It's like talking to a wall…"

"You're the wall. This is about nothing more than you wanting access to them, because you… want certain answers. And Dark Arts is just tempting to anybody who wants something a lot, because whatever it is you want, there will be some book out there that will claim it can give it to you. But it's never worth it"

"Oh. You think I'm too weak for it"  
A candle burnt out, making the room just a little bit darker and colder.

"I think you might be"  
"And what about you? You seem to be well acquainted with what's in it, and yet you've never succumbed to any temptation, I don't think"  
"That's because there's nothing I really want that I don't have"  
"It's not like I would ever do anything truly terrible. I'm _vegetarian!"  
_Desperation in a situation like this was counterproductive, as they were both well aware of. But that's why it's called 'desperation'.

"You will have to sit on me until I die because the answer is no infinity"

Because Remus didn't particularly feel like sitting on Sirius until he died, he got up on his feet and went to the broken wall.

"I don't know what's more offensive" he said, with a coldness you rarely saw in him. "That you think I'm too dumb and weak to read any of that, or that you insist on denying me the peace or closure I could get from seeing for myself that there really isn't anything there, when quite correctly it so happens there is something I really want"  
"Sorry"  
"Me too"  
Remus left the room. This sucked, but Sirius just wanted to get the bonfire over with. Remus hadn't gone far, 'though. Just around the broken wall. He had a bag that he carried with him everywhere at all times, a bag where he always kept a certain envelope. He returned with the envelope in hand.

"Sorry you're such a hypocrite"

Sirius watched him take documents out of a large, red envelope. A flame was already burning at the tip of his wand.

"Let's see what we have here" Remus said as he went through the documents, eventually choosing a photograph. "Aw, it's you as a baby!"  
He held it up, as if to compare resemblance.

"You can definitely tell…"

Sirius snatched it from him, wondering what the point of this could possibly be. Looking at the photo gave him chills down the spine but it didn't make him wiser in the least. That wasn't a child on the photo, but a lump of lard with lazy eyes and the hands that grew out of the body had no arms. He had never seen it before. Was this some lazy attempt at insulting him?

"Did you snap this yourself or cut it from the papers…?"

"Ok, that wasn't the response I was trying to set up, but never mind…" he chose another document now. "This is a contract. That is you on the photo. Before you became a walking bargain with the devil"  
He forwarded the document with that explained in greater detail what he was vaguely hinting at for dramatic effect.

"I assume your parents never told you, that when you were born you were simply so very hideous that they had to seek any means to fix it. So they summoned a lesser demon, who instructed them to bring forth another child. That didn't take them too long… A little skin switcheroo was performed and voila!"

All the details were in the contract.

"It's a fake…" Sirius said, not buying into the story at all.

But the contract bore the characteristics some something that was loaded with dark magic. For example, if you tried to rip it in half your finger tips turned black. If you tried to set it on fire it set you on fire. Sirius put himself out quite quickly.

"I've done plenty of research and it seems pretty real" said Remus.

"How do I know this isn't some trick you're playing just to spite me?"

"If I could do that I wouldn't need to sit on you to get information I need. Let alone could it have been done the two seconds I left the room after you pretended to be my mother. Maybe I sound like a villain, but I would not lie about something like this"  
"Withholding information counts as a form of lying. How long have you even had this?"  
"I can't remember… A couple of years?"  
"Well, as long as _you _feel better"

"Would you have preferred that I never told you?"  
"Don't pretend you weren't waiting for a moment like this!"  
"Waiting? How could I know a moment like this would turn up?"

"Why did you hold on to this? Why did you take it? You could have walked away from it, or you could have told me straight away! But no, you held on to it and kept it to yourself!"  
"I was going to tell you! And then I couldn't make up my mind… And I kept postponing it…"

"Good thing this happened, where I tried to look out for you, what a great opportunity to pull this on me!"

"Your concern is very touching, but if you think I will let you stand between me and the possibility of answers, I will not just back down while you act like you know what's better for me than I do!"

"The answer is still no. More no than ever"  
"Don't you think you should set things right by reversing the switch? What an unfair faith that other boy had to suffer… And because of Dark Arts, too.

"I don't even know where he is"  
"I'll help you find him, I know"  
"I don't have to do anything. I'm not at fault here. No major damage has been caused from this"

"Not for you it hasn't. You've been shielded by Satan's lucky bubble"  
Sirius pointed his flaming wand at the pile of books.

"It would be a shame if anybody found out. Or maybe not" Remus then said, hoping it would work.

"You know what else would be a shame if anybody found out?"

"I wonder what James would think of all this…"

"He would agree with me, obviously" Sirius snorted.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah!"

"Why don't we ask him right now?"  
It looked as though there was no way out of this for Sirius now. He put out the wand and stuck it in his pocket, leaving.

"You're gonna feel so awful when you're done. When you've gone through everything and found nothing useful, all of this will feel like such a waste and I will still be so mad at you"

He returned the contract and photo and disappeared around the wall.

Remus already felt awful. He had felt awful the moment he had opened his mouth about the photograph. He felt so selfish, although it wasn't as if he was the only one who would benefit from the answers he was always seeking. Maybe he should have worked on his arguments, but he hadn't had any time and being told he was too weak had just made him so angry!

He had never enjoyed the presence of rare hardbacks any less, but they weren't just rare! Some of it was stuff of legends! Purists loved keeping things in their lines and even Lord Voldemort himself raided private collections like this sometimes. Most were ok with it, those who wouldn't share it even with him went through more trouble of hiding it. Just because they supported his political endeavours did it necessarily mean they wanted to lose any of it.  
But being so very consumed with guilt now, and feeling so very unworthy, Remus was pretty close to not looking through anything at all.

He had gotten down on his knees, but could barely flip them over to look at the cover.

Then he saw that title, shining like a jewel. Golden letters gleaming, reflecting the dying torches. _Book of Janus. _This was a book so widely rumoured that it was often cited in books about legendary powerful magic because it was said to be the writings of the Sycorax Janus himself, a legendary mage and finder of original curses. The guilt was as good as gone with the wind.


	3. Something in the sewers

Title: The Book of Janus

Part 3: Something in the sewers

Transfiguration was the first class of the day the following morning. Students were behaving and taking notes as McGonagall demonstrated how you could turn a single piece of thread into a jumper.

"Essential transfiguration in a nutshell" she explained, turning it back into a thread. She pointed her wand at a yellow feather next, swished and turned it into a chicken. "Or" she swished again, and turned it into an egg.

"Now I want you to divide yourself into groups and come up with your own uses for essential transfiguration"

She leaned back in her chair, picked up _Dantes' Inferno _and began to examine it.

Remus was sitting with the girls today.

"Can I be in your group?" he asked them.

"Of course you can" said Lily, although she did wonder what had happened. And she wasn't alone.

"Are you fighting?" Cas whispered, having her mental notebook ready for gossip.

"Kind of" Remus turned the ink in his bottle into a squid, but it had been too large for it so the bottle had shattered. He poured water on it so it wouldn't die.  
"What did they do?" Lily asked, picking a shard of glass from her sweater, naturally assuming it was _their _fault. She turned the shard into sand.

"Nothing, it's me. Do you mind if we just don't talk about it?"

The same questions were being asked on the other side of the classroom.

"What the hell is up with you two _this time?" _ James asked when he had turned the beech tree back into a table. And fixed the whole in the ceiling. He had quite enough of their constant high-tension bullshit, to put it bluntly. They had always been so very incompatible. "What did I miss this time?"

"Nothing" Sirius insisted, nonchalantly turning a steel ring into various objects such as a tea pot, a sword, a toaster, not really liking any of them. "Beats me what his problem is"  
"Could it be that you pretend he doesn't exist?"

Sirius shrugged, wondering if combining the steel with the shards of glass could make a nice little mirror.

"It's like the UST is now RST" said James. "Did you finally go off and have that hot sex, thinking it wouldn't be weird afterwards and now it's weird anyway?"

"Yes, Prongs. We had lots of hot sex and now it's weird, because of that reason"  
"Are you doing that thing, where you confirm in a sarcastic way so I will think you did in fact not have any hot sex although you did?"

"That is exactly what I'm doing"  
"It just genuinely wouldn't surprise me or anyone, that's all"  
"Do you mind if we go somewhere?"

"Maybe this is the real UST, and now you actually will have to have hot sex to solve it"  
"Why are you so obsessed all of a sudden? Do you want us to have hot sex, for your kinky pleasure?"

"I just don't want you to act as if you did have hot sex"  
They left the classroom and went to slack off by some stairs nearby.

"Hypothetical scenario" said Sirius. "Say you were a really ugly child. So your parents decided to summon a lesser demon to right this. The catch is; your appearance was traded with that of a cute baby with attractiveness potential. This now very, very beautiful child has no responsibility in this, right?"

"I guess not"

"Thank you!"  
"If this child never finds out, how can he or she do anything?"

Damn it.

"Suppose the child did grow up and find out eventually. The damage is still done, he or she can't do anything"

"Just how ugly are we talking? Quasimodo or… average Slytherin?"

"Does it really matter, and which of those options are uglier?"

"To go that far, the child must have been _really _ugly"

"Or, maybe the parents just had impossibly high standards. Maybe reputation was everything to them and just an average looking child would be too shameful for them"  
"You said it was ugly. Not average looking"  
"It was! In this hypothetical scenario"  
"What happened to the other one?"

"Who cares?"  
"Just think of the other one that was supposed to have grown up all beautiful and is instead cursed with a Quasimodo-like appearance. If you're so ugly you have to be locked up in a bell tower and occasionally have towns' people throw fruit at you at a fair, then it's almost morally wrong not to attempt to make it right, I think"  
"What if there is no way, then?"

"Well, you can't do more than try sometimes. As long as this beautiful, beautiful person gave it an honest and preferable life sacrificing try"  
"What if Quasimodo was a horrible person?"  
"Maybe the switch would make him a good person. Who would be a good person, after being stuck in a bell tower?"  
"People can be stuck in places and remain good people"  
"In any case, I'd try to make it right"  
"No you wouldn't!"  
"You don't know that! I'd like to think I would"  
"But you wouldn't just have to give up your looks, but everything it got you! Your life, everything!"  
"It wasn't mine to have. The way I got it was unjust"  
"How is a skin switch with some demonic involvement any less fair than genetics? What difference does it make, why we look a certain way? At the end of the day we don't really owe it to ourselves… Although some could try a little harder…"

"Maybe, but just knowing that somebody suffered in a bell tower so I could have all my fortune… I don't know, I think I'd feel bad. I think just having had the shot at the good life would make me strong enough for a life in a bell tower. Yeah, so it would be different and possibly suck. But at least I'd have the chance to prepare myself and chose that life at a later age, as opposed to being raised that way. I'd have developed enough character strength to handle it and make the best of it, and not been manipulated into thinking I wasn't worth anything"

Sirius looked around, to see if Lily was perhaps around the corner and James was trying to impress her or something.

"What if the nature of the curse was such, that you would get all the emotions and thoughts Quasimodo had?" he then asked.

"Then I'd count on my good friends to come and save me from the bell tower. Unless the nature of the curse was such that even they were repulsed by my ugliness. Then I guess I'd be screwed. I'd chug a beautiful person's polyjuice for the rest of my life!"

That was a pretty good idea. Polyjuice, when was it not handy?

"Although…" said James, quite interested in the topic it seemed. "One can't help but wonder, why hasn't a certain Slytherin chugged a beautiful person's polyjuice all his life?"

Sirius shrugged. "Stockholm syndrome? Reversed body dysmorphic disorder?"

"Like, you'd think there'd be plenty of appearance enhancing potions. The world is full of all kinds of potions that do all kinds of things. Why hasn't he tried that?"

"Beats me"

"Perhaps it's mother nature that doesn't want things to work out that easily, hm?"

"Why haven't you used something to enhance your appearance?" Sirius got a comb out of his pocket and tried to comb James, only to be pushed away.

"Shut up I'm pretty"

"Why haven't you taken something to fix your eyes?"

"I said: shut up"

Many groups had moved to the library. Stack of books on the tables everywhere resembled small forts.

"I need to stretch my legs" said Lily and got up to stretch her legs.

"So" said Mac, shoving a book away from her. "I don't mean to pry, but whatever it is you did, can't it be fixed by talking?"

"I said I was sorry" said Remus. "There's not much else"

"Whatever happened, I bet it was mostly Black's fault anyway" said Lily.

"Did you two have sex and it's weird because of that reason?" Cas asked, dipping her nail polish brush.

"_What_? No!" said Remus, thoroughly repulsed. And confused.

"Cas, get your mind out of the gutter" said Lily.

"Maybe you should" said Cas.

Mac slapped Cas with a rolled up newspaper.

"What? Oh, I know you're secretly pleased I asked what you were all thinking, although you're in total denial!"

"I'm taking a little walk" said Lily and left.

"Me too I have to go to the ladies' anyway" said Cas and followed, along with Mac.

When they had all gone, Remus took the book from his bag. It was leather bound and in fine shape, hardly used. He looked through it a bit before closing it again. Then he took an atlas from the shelf behind him and switched the covers. Now he could open it again. There it was, right under his nose, a clear step by step guide to breaking That Curse. (Or, rather, how he had made them. Common lore would have it you broke curses by reversing the steps) Every time he saw it, he had to check the time and the nearest writing to make sure he wasn't dreaming. This was all too good to be true. And it didn't require any horrible sacrifices either. But maybe Sirius was right. Maybe there was some consequence left unmentioned that would only reveal itself when it was too late. But at the same time, was it so impossible that this could be genuine and not a bait to trick people into destroying their souls? Was it so unlikely that Janus Sycorax wasn't interested in winning anybody to the dark side? Wasn't it more likely that this was written as a scientific piece, unbiased and based on his studies and experiences and nothing more? Was it the tempting nature of the book that made him reason this way? So many questions. What would Dumbledore say? Would he be able to tell straight away if it was safe or not? If he couldn't, would he recommend the safer option of Not Doing Anything and confiscate the book? Was there anybody in the world he could turn to for an unbiased second opinion that agreed with his? Remus decided to go and get some air.

The Quasimodo discussion at the staircase had somehow turned into a discussion about geography. The bell tower had led to cathedrals, cathedrals to the Roman Empire… How they had gotten from there to Micronesia they couldn't even remember themselves.

"There is no such place as Micronesia" said James, as they came down the steps closest to the library. They hadn't meant to go there, they had just wandered off and unintentionally headed that way because they spent so much time there in general.

"Yes there is" Sirius insisted. It had been in the cross words, after all. "I know it sounds like a made up parody name, but it exists!"

"If only we had an atlas so we could settle this" James put his hands to his hips, as if wondering where you could possibly find an atlas. He didn't have to put much effort into looking, 'though, because who should wander out of the library with his nose stuck in an atlas at that exact moment if not Remus?

"Perfect! An atlas!" James snatched the atlas and started going through the index. "Micronesia, Micronesia…"  
"I can tell you where Micronesia is!" said Remus, desperately trying to get it back. Alas, being the shorter one was never an advantage.

"This isn't an atlas" said James, but kept browsing nonetheless because whatever it was, it was more interesting than an atlas or whether or not there was such a place as Micronesia. "What is this?"

Sirius took the book and ripped off the cover. "You said you didn't find anything, thief!"  
"I _had _to!" said Remus.

"What? Is that from that collection?" James asked.

"Yep. Janus" Sirius replied, browsing. "He made some lovely contributions to magic"

"Wasn't he that guy who supposedly invented vampires and zombies or something?"

"He wanted to create some kind of super-human. Powerful, immortal, the whole shebang. But he could never figure out a good way of doing it. One of his very interesting theories was that if you connect your life to the moon, you will live for as long as it's there. But I don't know if that's true. But I've also never heard of a werewolf that died of natural causes"  
Remus glared at him. "You _knew _of that book!"  
"Is it… very dark?" James asked.

"It's _harmless_"  
"_Step 6: paint the markings with a premature fetus" _Sirius read.

"That's the one with the Zombies. Not all of them are that bad!"  
"Does it say, per chance, how to undo anything?" James asked.

"You undo by reversing the steps"

"That's _one _theory" said Sirius.

James snatched the book back. "How could you even reverse the fetus thing?"

"You don't, because it is impossible. Now if you excuse me, I have a book I forgot to burn"

"Oh really?" said Remus. "Do you have an ugly twin to visit as well?"

A glare fest ensued.

"An ugly twin in the Hogwarts sewers?" he added.

"Wait a minute" said James. "That story wasn't a hypothetical scenario at all, was it!"  
"Yes it was" Sirius insisted.

"You're the ugly baby! And you have an ugly twin in the sewers?!"  
"No! I swear!" Sirius turned away.

"Wow, you two sure know how to create drama!"  
"I think we must maintain focus here! I don't think we should let Death Eaters get _Pinocchio_ because he will influence them and they will replace their usual torture methods with being sneaky and annoying smartass know-it-alls and death by boredom will be an actual cause of death!"  
"Can you imagine that curse? That pressing sensation in your head, the cruciatus version"

"I have and I don't want the DE's to get the idea for it"  
"There's already a curse like that!" said Remus. "The _Cerebrum Dolorum-"  
_"UGH he's doing it again!" Sirius put his hands to his ears.

"You're an ass and I don't feel bad anymore you ass!"  
"I don't understand one thing" said James. "Why would they have traded your face for your twins'? You'd still have one ugly child"

"I don't know" said Sirius.

"Yes you do, you read the contract" said Remus. "The other twin was stillborn"  
Yes, the drama they created never ceased to amaze James. "Wow. So it's dead, then?"  
"No, because it came to life, except now it was hideous. So they hid it in the sewers"  
"I know you're a smartass, but how do you know all this? I've been in the sewers and I've never seen anything lurking there"  
"Because I saw it when I was… Hanging out in the sewers this one time…"

"You mean, you were hiding from some mean slytherins?" said Sirius, sneering.

"Yeah. I was hiding from some mean slytherins"

"And now you're doing that thing, where you confirm sarcastically"  
"What does it matter why he was hanging out in the sewers?" said James. "He was casually chilling in the sewers, like you do, and saw your ugly twin. Now, do you want to have that hot sex before or after we investigate further?"  
"Please, can I borrow it?" Remus asked.

"No it's mine" said Sirius.

"If you don't lend it to me, I will-"  
"-tell everyone? I dare you. Let's have a battle of outing each other"  
Remus wished so much he had gone about all this differently. He couldn't stand when things were this infected. "What's it going to take? Why are you doing this?"

"Now I just want to make you miserable"

"Wait, is that why you're mad?" James turned to Sirius. "Because he told you about your ugly twin?"

"Well, yeah"

"That's all?"

Sigh. "It was the way he said it and the situation, ok? He withheld information to use it against me to get what he wanted. It was a very slytherin-ish thing to do"  
"But why couldn't you let him have a look?"

"Because they're _evil _and _tempting _to people who want something a lot! You two have no idea! Anything you know about Dark Arts is scratching at the surface!"

"I guess that's fair. Do you mind if I look?"

"Why do you want to look?"

"Because, what if? You could save the lives of a lot of people. I just want to see, if the ends could justify the means"  
"Righting everything with your twin is very simple" said Remus. "All you have to do is draw a circle on the ground with a piece of chalk and then you have to shake hands and that's it. It will only take a minute"  
"I'm ok" said Sirius.

"Do you want to see him?" James asked.

"Not really"  
"No? But it's your stillborn twin, that's pretty freaky! Do you suppose he is the evil one?"  
"Yes, so that's why he needs to stay there"

"I don't know… If you were the good twin you would sacrifice yourself"

"But keeping him away is keeping us safe! That's the good thing!"

"I guess"  
"You're jumping to conclusions very quickly" said Remus. "If you saw him, you wouldn't be so sure that he was evil. He's more afraid of you, than you are of him"  
But Sirius had gone back to ignoring Remus now, and was finding filing his nails much more interesting.

"You're not afraid are you?" said James.

"_No!"_

"Then what's keeping you?"

Since it just wasn't fit of a Gryffindor to act as some kind of wuss, they had no choice but to go down to the sewers. 


	4. The steps

Title: The Book of Janus

Part 4: Reversing the steps

It was pretty dark in the sewers, as you would expect it to be. It was also wet and damp and a stale smell filled the air. Rats made rustling sounds as they fled to their homes within the walls. You needed to lumos down here. Remus led them to where he had last seen the hideous creature several years ago, but it was nowhere to be found, not even where they thought was its' usual places.

"It was here, I'm sure of it"

"Maybe it wandered off?" James suggested.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I don't feel like waiting for it to return from its picnic" said Sirius and was just about to turn around when he saw the horribly hideous creature across the passage. For the very first time in his life, he screamed and ran away. James and Remus were also startled, but more successful in keeping calm.

"Ok there it is what now?" James whispered.

"What do you mean '_what now'?" _Remus whispered back.

"Like, what now? What does it do? Does it talk? Does it eat people?"

"That is so offensive! Just because someone is really hideous does it mean they eat people and can't talk!"

"In any case, I believe you now so maybe we should go"

"I can't believe _he_ just ran off!"

"I know, let's go and mock him for being a chicken"

But they did not get the honours of mocking Sirius, for he returned before they had the chance. "So… What does it do? Does it talk?" he asked coolly, but looking everywhere but at it.

The Creature chose this moment to finally speak up. "I do talk" it said, with a voice that clearly hadn't been used in a while. "I've been waiting for you for so long"

"Get in line"

"My _brother!" _

When the Creature took a step forwards, Sirius backed instantly and held up his hands in protest, always looking everywhere but at It.

"Woah, there! Take it easy, ok? Look, I'm really sorry about everything, but, I'm already up to here with brotherly duties so I really don't have time for any more.

"We have a brother?"

"_I _have a brother. I mean, yes, we. Whatever"

"What's he like?"

"Oh, you know. Moody, pessimistic, angsty, nerdy. A spoiled, high maintenance brat. You wouldn't like him"

"Why don't I fetch him?" Remus offered. "He's always in the DADA section"

Sirius sighed. "We've been through this…"

"I'll be right back!" Remus ran out of the sewers. There was a pause.

"So, how does one pass the time down here?" James asked, attempting to make conversations.

"You don't think he'll really get him?" Sirius asked.

"He did say he would"

"He wouldn't risk it. I won't be merciful if he does"

"He seems to find all this really important"

"He just wants that book! But he won't get it"

"It is pretty boring down here" said the Creature.

"I don't have time for this. See you" said Sirius and ran out of the sewers.

"We'll be in touch" said James and ran off as well.

Remus hadn't made it too far when a ribbon-like mist appeared around his ankles and caused him to trip and fall.

"Why can't you just drop it?" Sirius asked, with a patience that… Had never seen light of day, as a matter of fact.

"Why can't you see things from my perspective?" Remus replied, with a patience that could use a holiday quite frankly, getting back up.

"Ok, guys" said James diplomatically. "This is getting a bit broken-record. How about a time out?"

"I will stop at nothing to get that book" said Remus.

"Ok, how about this: you get to look at it when I'm done with it"

"So you can make sure it's 'safe'? Ugh, I'm getting sick of you treating me like a child, it's like it's opposite day!"

That patience chose this moment to start packing.

"Well now you know how we feel. You have to look at this from our perspective, too. What would you do, if roles were reversed?"

"I wouldn't underestimate you and give you more credit"

"Wrong. You would do what we're doing"

"I think you both have a very high opinion of yourselves, if you think you can resist any powerful temptations better than I can"

"It's kind of our thing" James flicked a page.

"How long do you think you will need?"

"I don't know. A month?"  
"A _month!"_

The patience was looking for its passport.

"I have other stuff to do!"

"You expect me to wait a _month?!"_

Found it. Caught the next flight. Remus was so annoyed he kicked a passing house elf by accident. James frowned contemplatively.

"You seem agitated"  
"Gee, really?"

"Must be that pesky moon" said Sirius, rolling some floo powder in a piece of paper.

"It's because you're being a pesky twat"

"Whatever, why don't you go and cuddle with a hot water bottle or something?"

Quite fed up, Remus stormed off.

"_I'm a bitch I'm a bitch, oh the bitches are back!" _James sang, doing his really accurate Elton impersonation.

"How am I bitchy?" Sirius asked, lighting the floo roll.

"Bitch is your default state"

They headed out through the main entrance. James slammed the book shut.

"I'm kind of surprised at you" he said.

"Why?"

"You've just never cared about being safe and that before. I thought you lived by a principle of being the exact opposite of safe"

"This isn't painting yourself with pigs' blood and wandering into a dragons' nest or trying to steal a phoenix egg" Sirius dug into his pockets for that bag of sweets. "It's dark arts. Maybe I just have strong morals. Toffee?"

James took a green one. "These are awesome where did you get them?"

"Forgot"

"Anyway, it's not strong morals because you're the only person I know who is openly against peace on earth"

"I'm not _against _it per se, I just think it would make news papers boring"

"Yeah, you're against peace on earth because you don't want to read about the latest baby animals at the zoo and other cute stories"

"That's the sort of stories that would take over! Do _you _want that? 'Oh look, some kids saved a puppy how _adorable!'_"

"Yeah. You want: 'Look, some kids died'"

"That's just twisting my words"

"Anyway, burn your book if you're so sure it's full of crap" James returned the book. "I'm not the one who needs convincing"

"Thank you!" Sirius inhaled the floo.

"Who cares if Moony will resent you for the rest of his life? Maybe you're ok with that. Since you're so _sure._"

"He'll live" Exhale.

"Consumed with bitterness over missed chances, but I guess that counts as a form of living"

Sirius threw the floo roll on the ground and rubbed his shoe on it.

"If you want me to just give him this book, just say it!"

"What? You're really going to give him that dangerous book? Are you sure?"

Sirius smacked James in the head with the book and left.

What Hogwarts lacked in certain things such as leaky pipes and trustworthy professors, it made up for it in the vast selections of hobbies you could partake in. Here was something for the painters, the actors, even the sewers. Remus had picked up sewing quite recently, and his first project was a voodoo doll. Of course he knew perfectly well that dark arts could be really dangerous, and of course he could see the other side of things. But nothing made him so furious like PMS jokes. There was not a mindfulness book in the world that could make him _not _boil with rage when they came, and they did with annoying regularity, and always at a time when he was at his most irritable, too.

He cut off the yarn when he was done with the hair and summoned the box of buttons. They were well sorted after shades of various colours and qualities. Eventually he settled for a pair of pale and opalescent buttons from the monochromic collection with the very scientific colour name sodium potassium aluminium silicate and sewed them onto the doll. The doll was long since finished and functional, this was just decoration.

"That explains that random acupuncture feeling I sometimes get. Maybe that's why I'm always in such good health"

Remus startled and hid the doll under his sweater, quite pointlessly. He hadn't heard Sirius come in at all.

"Interesting fact" he said, trying to sound perfectly calm. "Voodoo dolls are registered as Dark Arts throughout many regions in Europe but _not _here. Here it is perfectly legal"

Then the book fell into his lap.

"Well, there you have it" said Sirius.

And there it was, too. Leather bound, gold letters on the cover. So suddenly and randomly after all that shouting and all those hurtful words. Maybe the needle to the head had done that.

"Did you just change your mind all of a sudden?" Remus asked, still barely daring to touch it, but it did take a great deal of self restraint not to.

"Hm… 'Change my mind'? No… But… I just hate taking my own notes. It's so tedious. You can borrow that on one condition!"  
"What condition?"

"I get to copy you at exams"  
"Well, I would let you, but if you looking at my papers won't give you away, your identical answers will"

"Don't be stupid" Sirius took a bottle of liquid paper from his pocket. "There's more to Muggle Diagon Alley than people think"

"It's 'London'"

"With this, I can replace some of your words with synonyms!"

"I don't care what you do, as long as you don't peer over my shoulder"  
"I also found this. In the arts room" he showed the file of carbon paper he had brought.

"Were you going to enchant anything at all or are you cheating muggle style?"

"Our desks! They always arrange them the same way, we get to sit where we want… They check everything else for sneaky manipulation, but not the furniture"

He took out two sheets of carbon paper from the file and slammed them on the table.

"Meshing" he clarified. "You write there, the answers pop up there… But I just can't make it work…"

"And you placed them like this?"

"I've thought of everything… I have a charm that will make the words pop up on the front, another that will make sure they are placed correctly… But the meshing just doesn't work! I've checked the test furniture for clashing enchantments, but found none! Nothing is protecting them, Flitwick assured me- what are you smiling at?"

"You've never used carbon paper before, have you?"

"Not until now, no"

Remus flipped one of the sheets over.

"Always something stupid…" Sirius moped, putting them back in the folder.

"If only you put this much energy-"

"-'_into homework'. _This is more fun"

When Sirius had gone, Remus put the book on the table and opened the page of interest. There was the answer in black and white of how it had all been achieved so long ago. In an attempt to attach half a soul to the moon, he had had his test subject Igor kill Janus' wife. This is where Janus made the first mistake. Before continuing he wanted to bring the soul of the love of his life back. The only problem was, her body couldn't be used to contain her soul, so Janus had instead placed her soul in his wolf companion, completely unaware of how this could come to affect things. He had to kill Igor next, for he could think of no other way to separate the pieces of his soul from his body. This was before the modern extraction methods had been discovered. So he had his wolf companion slash Igor to pieces and took a second trip down to the netherworld. He put one half of the soul in Igor, the other half he put in a moonstone. A powerful enchantment later and Igor was once more alive and kicking, but with a slight difference that eventually drove him to take his own life.

As interesting as it all was, how on earth did you go about reversing the steps? It didn't look like it would be without sacrifice at all, if now there was a much as one step that could be reversed at all. _Reversing the steps… _ Was is possible that it wasn't meant to be taken literally, or that there was some alternative interpretation to it? And where was that stone today?


	5. Professor Nostaw and Lucid Dreaming

Title: Book of Janus

Part 5: Professor Nostaw and Lucid Dreaming

This week had more dramatic mornings in store. Students leaving the Great Hall for class halted when they saw Professor McGonagall whacking Professor Passus with a broomstick.

"And stay out!" she shouted after him as he ran out the door.

"What happened?" Cas whispered, so surprised she applied more lipstick than necessary.

"Turns out Professor Passus had some compromising photos in his compromising photo album" Mac explained. "Makes you sick"

"Professor-change mid-term, I didn't even know that was possible" said Lily. "Now they must find a new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher. However will they manage that in time for the NEWT's?"

Then, as an answer to her question, a man in cowboy boots and a Tyrolese hat came down the stairs alongside Professor Dumbledore.

"Those of you having Defense Against The Dark Arts can go now, professor Nostaw will be with you shortly" he told the gawking students and peered at the crowd over his half-moon glasses until the audience started breaking up. Then he turned back to Nostaw, appearing to give him the grand tour. "There's the dungeons, there's the library, the Great Hall"

Having once again overslept, James and Sirius hadn't been around to witness the drama and had no idea that DADA class had almost been cancelled.

"If those photos won't get Passus sacked, then I have no faith in humanity" said Sirius. He had planted the photos, because apparently being a discriminating Death Eater with stupid hair wasn't enough to get a person sacked. Somehow he had been involved in all sackings, so he kind of thought he was the one that made them happen. And that was true. Sackings and resignations of Hogwarts staff had reached an all time statistical high ever since he had started.

"They never last more than a year, do they" said James, as they stopped outside the classroom door. "Not even the good ones. I was having such high hopes for Professor Vance last year and then you had to go and ruin that too! She didn't deserve it!"  
"I didn't ruin anything! It was _consensual_!"

"You exploited the facts of your Veela genetics"  
"I also have a great personality!"

"You have personalities… I just wish you'd stop using them to get decent people fired" He pressed down the door handle and opened. Finding somebody that wasn't Passus at the desk was quite shocking for both of them. The stranger in the Tyrolese hat reached for the student list.

"Are you here for class?" he asked them.

"Yes"

"Who the hell are you?" Sirius asked.

"I'm professor Nostaw. I will be taking over Defense Against the Dark Arts from now on. And who the hell are you?"

"I'm Potter, that's Black" James took it upon himself to introduce them both since Sirius seemed to have gotten temporarily infatuated. "Seriously, close your mouth, it's getting creepy"

He also took it upon himself to escort Sirius to their regular seats at the back of the class.

Nostaw crossed the newcomers off the list an removed his hat.

"As a quick repetition, I'm Professor Nostaw and unlike most teachers' here I actually have a degree from wizards' teachers college where I majored in defense and my thesis was about preventative strategies. Lord knows' where they pulled them from back when I was a student… Off the streets it seemed, half the time, I don't think any of them was actually qualified. Some were still pretty good, 'though, but the majority do turn out to be shady in some way, don't they? Strange… But I will be the first exception! But enough chit chat"

Nostaw got up from his chair and went to scribble on the chalkboard.

"Defense, defense… Ask any person what defense is to them and all they can think of is Expelliarmus. Well, Expelliarmus is very useful, but not when that green flashing light is already coming at you. What other white magic is there to fight off dark magic with that's already been cast?"

Nostaw grabbed a piece of chalk and started writing a whole bunch of incantations and explaining in great detail what they did and how awesome they were. It was the most informative class in the subject they have ever participated in, and furthermore, it was actually about _defense _against _dark arts. _

"He's so dreamy" Sirius sighed.

"Don't go exploiting those Veela genetics! Although I don't think it would work" said James.

"You want to bet?"

"No I don't. I want to keep this one"

"Talking is one thing…" Remus muttered, but taking notes nonetheless.

"And what's the other thing?"

"Putting it to actual practice, maybe? There's nothing new about all those spells, the only problem is that the only way to properly learn them is to run into DE headquarters and wait for them to attack you"

"'Nothing new'? I haven't heard o half of them" said Sirius.

"I forgot that most people don't bother finding things out on their own"

As they talked in the back, they didn't notice Professor Nostaw first turning silent upon noticing and then striding up to them.

"Do you have something you'd like to share?" he asked them.

"No" said James.

"He" Sirius pointed at Remus. "Thinks you talk too much"

"No, that is _not _what said!" Remus whispered.

"What did you say, then?" Nostaw asked. "I heard something about DE Headquarters"

Remus cleared his throat."Well. It's pretty difficult stuff, isn't it? I was just wondering how you expect us to actually learn it"  
Nostaw returned to the front of the classroom.

"How indeed. What use is it for me to tell you all about this, and then tell you to read chapter so and so before an exam, only for you to forget about it when necessity to use it actually arises? I can't exactly have you cast Avada Kedavra at each other, can I?"

He paused, long enough as to suggest that maybe he could do that.

"Lucid Dreaming" he then said. "It's easier for some than others, I grant you that, but it is possible for everybody, and there are herbs you can take to enhance ludicity. There is no safer environment to practice any skill than in your dreams, it's like a holodeck in your mind. Your homework will largely consist of LD exercises at first…"

"Will our homework actually be sleeping?" Sirius didn't believe. This was the professor of his dreams. Many students shared this admiration.

Within two weeks did curses of all colours fly in all directions at Hogwarts as students took shelter behind pillars and walls, where they could aim their defensive spells.

"I don't get one thing" James shouted, as he tried to defend himself from behind a book shelf in the library from a green flashiness cast by Sirius. "If nothing happens; is it that the spell is too difficult, or is my LD'ing not good enough or… something? _Fidem Album!_"

A ray of white light flew towards Sirius, but all he had to do was jump aside for it to miss him.

"See? It keeps doing that!" James complained.

"Maybe I'm just too good for you!"

"_Avada Kedavra!"  
_"_Reditum!"  
_The green flashiness turned back midway, now determined to attack the caster. The duel continued in this vein, with the curse flying back and forth like a ping pong ball while the participants occasionally took shelter behind various shelves and beneath various tables until professor Nostaw blew his whistle and announced that the collective dreaming session was over for the night. Many students that had fallen early on had disappeared altogether from the dream.

"You might ask yourselves" he said as the students gathering around him. "How do I know if I really am in control or if it's just part of the dream? What does it mean when the spell doesn't behave like it would in real life? Well, it's not a perfect solution but if you can think of a better one I'd like to hear it. But this way these spells will really get into your subconscious and you will remember the incantations and in the end, when it comes to spell casting in general, you really just have to believe in yourself. You're dismissed"

Then Nostaw walked away from them all, further into the library.

"If I imagine everybody naked" said Sirius. "Would everybody be naked for everybody else also?"

"I don't think so" said James. "Everyone that I have imagined naked haven't seemed too bothered by it"

"Maybe you imagined wrong. Maybe they really liked your flattering imagination?"

"Where is Moony when you actually _want _an answer to a question? Did he get hit or what?"

"Maybe there was too much naked here for him"

The host for this collective dream session had been Professor Nostaw himself, which meant that he dictated whether or not people were naked in it. Thankfully he wasn't that creepy and had let everybody keep their clothes on. That didn't keep the other participants from imagining things only they could see, or change time and location completely. Nostaw would have no idea unless he actively made effort to seek them out.

So Remus did not count on being disturbed tonight as he placed out rocks in a particular formation after instructions from that book on the plains of Liberty Cap Island, just south of Wizards' Plymouth. Lucid Dreaming, what a good way to try to follow the steps that Janus had made without doing it for real. Perhaps that would give him a better overview that would make it easier to reverse everything. He had assumed the dream persona of Janus himself. His assistant Igor watched weeping from a distance as Remus worked on opening up the portal to Hades to fetch the soul of his recently murdered wife. Blue misty rays of light emerged from each stone after some Greek chanting. The ground started to shake. The atmosphere was sinister.

"This looks interesting" said a voice. The green plains dissolved instantly and became the Hogwarts library. Remus turned around in shock and saw Professor Nostaw. He closed the book and made sure to cover the title.

"Were the spells not advanced enough for you?" Nostaw asked.

Remus could in all honesty think of anything to say. He had no good explanation prepared.

"What could be so important that you had to do it now?" Nostaw didn't sound angry or reproachful, but that didn't mean that Remus had any less reason to be secretive. Nostaw looked out the library window.

"Or were you perhaps just eager to get something done tonight?"

The Professors Dumbledore and McGonagall and their annoying insistence of blabbing (or "warning", as they liked to put it). Without naming anyone, tell all the professors that someone is your class is a monster, thanks, bye, and then the method of exclusion could help any sneaky detective-wannabe with the rest. People who didn't care were very quick to assume that nobody would, but that was actually further from the truth than any of them wanted to realize. Finally Professor Nostaw bid him a good night and good luck before leaving at last.


	6. A Bad Moon Rising

Title: The Book of Janus

Part 6: A Bad Moon Rising

Interpreting each others' dreams was quite boring, but that was what they had to do in class the day after. James was browsing through a dream dictionary, looking for the word 'ice tea' because apparently Sirius had a few days ago dreamt that he was drowning in an ocean of ice tea while golden jellyfish had gnawed on his feet.

"Have you thought about that ugly sewer twin?"

"What's there to think about? Would you like be to go and ring bells in some French cathedral? I thought you loved me"  
"If he gets your beautiful, beautiful self I'm sure I could learn to love him too. He'd be you, except _nice"_

"Nice people don't like you. Well, generally"

Nostaw had gone out on some unspecified errand for a moment. Remus had overslept, and was very relieved to find that Nostaw wasn't at his desk when he finally arrived, 40 minutes late.

"Why didn't you wake me?" he asked, slamming his books on the table and looking more like he hadn't slept at all than too much.

Students startled in their seats when Sirius blew a klaxon alarm. It was so loud the lamps vibrated a little. Remus tore it from his grip quite forcefully.

"Did you have a nice dream?" Sirius asked.

"Very"  
The door opened and Professor Nostaw was back from his errand.

"I think we ought as well wrap up. You don't need me blabbing theory when you can just as easily read chapter 6 to 9. If you have questions you can ask me. You all did great last night so you deserve some extra leg stretching for sacrificing your dream time. Next week we should be ready for Wake Induced Lucid Dreaming, so make sure to do the exercises."

Slowly but surely did the students leave the classroom, chatting much and not being in much hurry.

"Maybe we should visit him now" James suggested when they were at the door. "We have plenty of time"

"Didn't you hear the Professor? We have exercisesto do! And chapters to read!" said Sirius.

"Lupin, a moment?" said professor Nostaw all of a sudden. Hearing that never felt good.

"What did you do and why was I not part of it?" James asked.

"I think it's best if the rest of you wait outside or go somewhere else" said Nostaw.

"We'll be eavesdropping" Sirius assured him un-comfortingly and closed the door after him.

First thing Nostaw did was to cast an anti-eavesdropping charm on the door. This was just a little bit concerning. Professors just never did that; they never had anything to say that was that much of a secret.

"That book you had" he then said. "In your dream, you had a book by the legendary dark magician Janus"

Again, Remus just didn't know if he ought to deny it or not. Dark literature wasn't allowed at Hogwarts, you could get temporarily expelled for possessing it.

"I assume you know dark literature isn't allowed at Hogwarts" Nostaw went on, sitting down on the edge of the desk.

"It was a dream" Remus finally said. "I'm allowed to have whatever book I want in my dream, aren't I?"

"Are you saying you don't actually have it? It's not at Hogwarts at all?"

"No. I read it someplace that wasn't Hogwarts, and stored everything in my mind library"

"I wouldn't have taken you for a browser of dark literature. So where did you read it?"

He had never been a master at coming up with lies quickly, and certainly not in pressured situations. It was a rare book you wouldn't find in any ordinary library or book shop.

"It belongs to my cousin. He's… he's very… pure. Purists love dark arts"

"Who is your cousin?"

"Excuse me, Professor, but what does it matter? It's not in my possession. Can I go?"

"Before you do I want to make sure you don't have it. Give me your bag"  
While all the other students had been quick to fawn over the new Professor, Remus hadn't been as quick to judge. But now he really didn't like him at all, and he certainly didn't want him to look through his bag. He filtered his mind for a rule that would support his right not to oblige.

"Unless you have received a warning before, you won't get expelled if you have it. I will only confiscate it. Or have you received a warning?"

That he had not. He shook his head.

"Give me your bag"  
"72"  
"What?"

"You can't just demand to look through my stuff on the grounds that I possessed something in a dream. Since you haven't seen me with it in waking life, and nobody has reported seeing me with it, I have the right to not comply with your demand"  
"Rule 72 doesn't exactly specify that it has to be witnessed in _waking _life-"  
"66"

"Refresh my memory"

"A person's dream is his sanctuary"

"But that still doesn't stand in conflict with-"

"94"

"Ok?"  
"To receive warrant to go through anybody's private possessions, one or more of the following criteria must coincide with the given situation: 1, something has been stolen and the subject is a strong suspect. 2, all other means of eliminating suspicion has failed even 'though there's still at least two reasons for the subject to be suspected. 3, a strange ticking noise can be heard emitting from-"

"I don't have time for this" Nostaw grabbed hold of the bag, but Remus refused to let go of it.

"500 points from Gryffindor!"

That did hurt, but they were already at – 700 so it hardly made any difference.

"26; point subtraction is only allowed if-"  
"_Stupefy!"_

If Remus had had his wand in his hand, this would have been a good opportunity to cast _Reditum. _ But the spell hit him too fast for him to react and get a chance to get into his pockets, so he just flew backwards against the wall. The door next to him opened. It was McGonagall.

"Conference has started, what's keeping you?" she asked.

Nostaw put the bag on his desk. "Just… Some private tutoring, that's all. Yes I quite agree, Stupefy is safe enough, especially if we put mattresses against the walls and remove all furniture, yes I think you could be on to something…"

McGonagall looked down at Remus. Then back at Watson.

"Did you just stupefy a student?"

"No. He wasn't feeling too well, he thought he was going to faint"

Remus got up again. Nostaw finally returned the bag. Suspicious indeed, after all that fussing and McGonagall couldn't know? What was up with this guy? He was worse than Passus.

"Off to the Hospital Wing with you" said McGonagall. "And know that I will hear of it if you don't go. Pomfrey reports everything to me"

"Back pain, you say…" Pomfrey ran her wand over Remus as if it was a metal detector and he a piece of ground. Widdly-wee, widdly-wee, widdly-wee.

"I was _stupefied! _I flew into a wall!" Being forced to go to Pomfrey was the worst. It wasn't personal. It wasn't that she was that unpleasant or that she did her job poorly, it was simply her choice of profession. It just wasn't fun having people looking for things that could be wrong with you for every little thing just becomes something was quite often wrong with you and they were simply so used that there were things wrong with you that they saw it even when there wasn't anything wrong with you and you were forever that person that had things wrong with you! Urge to knock equipments off shelves in a fit of frustration rising.

"By whom?" Pomfrey asked. "A student?"

"Yeah. A student and I were practicing defensive spells and used Stupefy"

"You should have put mattresses against the walls or something"

The annoying beeping sound finally stopped and Pomfrey put her wand in her robes and went to her potions cabinet.

"Since you're here anyway, do you still have _Mentem Fidem?"_

"Yes"  
"_Anti-Urge To Slash?"_

"Yes"  
Not that it worked.

"Morphine?"

"I don't need anything!"  
"There's no need to snap at me"

"Sorry"

"You can go. And send in Slab, will you?"

Slab positively fluttered in because of the snitch that had been jammed down his throat earlier.

This day felt like the slowest day ever. So much fuss and still so far until tomorrow.

"Who were you practicing defensive spells with?" Sirius asked. Although banned from being company in the hospital wing, they still had their means of eaves dropping. Like most, Pomfrey didn't invest much energy in preventing it. She just used the basic prevention charms, like most amateurs.

"Professor Nostaw" Remus replied.

"Hexing a student, isn't there some kind of rule against it?" James didn't know many rules, but he was positive he had heard of such a rule. At the very least, there ought to be a rule like that, especially if there were rules against walking too loudly, picking your nose and tying strings to a bunch of money and then go and hide somewhere and trick people into trying to take the money only to keep tugging at the string so the other person could never get it. The Trickster Trio had inspired that rule. They had gone to Hogwarts in the 50s and had left their Trickster Hourglass that could always tell exactly how much time you had to do something sneaky before a teacher would show up.

"Rule number 2. I'll be in the dorm" Remus disappeared around a corner.

"Maybe it made sense in context" said Sirius.

"Hexing a student? What would justify that?" James asked. "They can't do it, even if you beg"

"Maybe he was citing rules again, you know how annoyed it makes them and anyone really"

"What could be such a secret that he needed to put eaves drop preventing charms on the door? Nobody ever does that"

"Look, I'd love to snoop around and play Sherlock Holmes and get teachers sacked as much as the next guy, but I'd like a little more to go on, to be honest"

"'More'? Oh, I get it. Your _man-crush"_

"Don't pretend you don't have one! He's probably just another jerk, like most of them turn out to be sooner or later"

"Fine. Then I have no choice but to sneak into his office and go through his stuff without you while he's at _conference_"

James left.

"I didn't say I wouldn't want to sneak into his office!" Sirius ran after him.

There was nothing in particular that stood out in Professor Nostaw's office. Perhaps he simply hadn't gotten around to fill it with stuff on such short notice. For it had been a very short notice. Same morning as Passus had gotten sacked had Dumbledore been giving Nostaw the tour of Hogwarts. They tugged in all drawers but the only thing that was remotely of interest was a drawer that was locked by magic that none of their break-into spells could crack.

"He's secretive, I give you that" said Sirius, and kept tugging. "Why would he want to protect this drawer so much? Nnnggh!"  
The books in the shelves were largely about defensive spells and lucid dreaming, but a couple of them were about growing psychedelic mushrooms.

"Remember in class" said James, looking through volume 11 of Encyclopedia Oneirologica but not with much concentration. "What he said. What was it? About the symbols in your dreams and what you can interpret from them"

"Yeah. And then we spent the entire hour doing just that and nothing else, I seem to recall now that you mention it…"  
"Theoretically, you could figure out what's in that drawer from interpreting his dreams, could you not?"

"Sure, _theoretically_. The only problem is that even if we looked through his dream journal, just because he dreams about a diamond does it mean there is actually a diamond in there. A diamond could mean a whole bunch of things"

"Whatever is in there, it is important and something he wants to keep to himself. If we projected ourselves into his dream, something in it would be the answer. Even if it's the radio playing _Ruby Tuesday, _or… "

"Nnnngh!"  
"Just give up, you can't even open pistachios, skinny. If Alohomora Maxima don't do the trick, then you toothpicks for arms sure as hell won't"  
"Oh here we go with you, '_you should do Quidditch because sitting on a stick requires _so _much brute strength'!"_

"Those quaffles are freaking heavy, have you even tried to lift one ever?"

"You're not exactly so beefy yourself. Newsflash, that Mirror of Erised doesn't _actually _show the truth"

James pocketed a book on astral projection because he was still intrigued enough by the idea to snoop in Nostaw's dream give it a shot. Then, like so many other times before, did the person who inhabited the office return earlier than anticipated. Why had they thought it would be a good idea to play catch with the Trickster Hourglass?

"What's going on here?" Professor Nostaw asked. Sirius stopped tugging at the drawer instantly.

"Sneaking into offices is indeed fun, I thought so too, but I am required to subtract 50 points and give you detention. Shall we say… Tonight? Sprout mentioned that the Night Anemones are ready for having the light harvested from them, and it must be done at night time. Be there seven sharp-"  
"Tonight?" said James. "Tonight's not… very good"

"Why not?"

"Because… We'd be so tired for class in the morning if we stayed up all night!"

"That's part of the punishment. I have to punish you"

"Some other night, then?" said Sirius. "I really can't tonight"

"Why not?"

"It's my mother. She is so very sick. Dying, even. Doesn't have long. I promised"  
"I'm so sorry. Do you have a permit?"

"Yes! I can get it right away if you want!"

"I'll wait here. You still have detention tonight, Potter"

"Fine. And I'll be there, as sure as my favourite band is The Carpenters"  
"You won't get out of it, I'll make sure of it"

Faking permit was something Sirius had done so many times that it had long since been routine. It wasn't even really 'faking', but rather copying an original permit and then modifying it slightly depending on what it was needed for. As for James, well, he didn't exactly want to give the same lie or any similar lie either. And any lie would feel suspicious. Sirius had asked if James could come as support, but that hadn't worked out too well. Nostaw simply hadn't bought that he had permit for that all of a sudden, when he hadn't mentioned it before. They were prepared for a number of situations but this situation was a new one.

"I'll get you out" Sirius assured him.

"Yeah, it's not the end of the world if you don't but if you would try that would be great"

Getting each other out was also routine and something they had several strategies for.


	7. Lurking

Title: The Book of Janus

Part 7: Lurking

The day of a full moon always had that sinister quality of _dragging_, so much that you wished it would just hurry and be over and then once night fell at last it had all happened too fast and you wanted it to hold for a little while longer, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't happen at all this time. One night of pain and madness didn't sound like too long when it was four weeks away and you forgot you weren't actually a person but a dark creature, but when you were already counting down the minutes, anxiety and fear ran as high as it always did. Nothing ever changed. You never got used to it. The experience was always the same. Never becoming numb was simply part of the charm.

The book lied under the floor boards, safely hidden. Now it was simply about not letting Professor Nostaw getting his hands on it.

The staff had poker night so James had the greenhouse all to himself. Sprout had come for him personally when he hadn't arrived at the appointed time, and he knew that he'd definitely save time pretending to comply than trying to hide.

The Night Anemones grew in quite large pots and they were luminous, so much so that you would have thought it was day in the greenhouse had the sky not been pitch dark behind the clouds outside. Sprout had showed how to extract the light. They kind of looked like some kind of flesh eating Iris and you simply stuck your wand in their serrated mouths to trigger vomiting and then you had to catch the little balls of light that flew out of them in medium sized jars. They moved slowly like soap bubbles so it was pretty easy.

James had tried to get out with all the spells he could think of. Spells that would unlock, shatter glass, blow stuff up, drill… Nothing worked. But what was worse was that the jib-window had been un-jibbed. They had arranged means of escaping in all common detention locations, most often in the form of some kind of jib exit. In McGonagall's office it was underneath her chandelier, in the potions dungeon you had to weigh exactly 6977 grams of dried liberty caps on the spider web covered scale and the mirror above the middle sink would slide up, in the astronomy tower if you pointed all the telescopes to Uranus, the bricks in the wall would arranged themselves in a stair formation and you could get out through a trap door.

But just who could have un-jibbed the green house jib exit? Sprout? When had it even happened? How had she even known there had been one? Even when they escaped, they always made sure to come back in time and act as if they had never left.

Sirius was determined to get James out in spite of the new challenge and he was confident that he would find some means. He always had time for a challenge. He went to the library.

Little Mouse Traps could eat through anything, but not fast enough because they were so small. He'd have to get them from McGonagall's office, and she was in there at the moment. What could get through anything? All he could think of was light, and could not think of a suitable quick fix from that. Ghosts. What use was there to find from that fact. Of course he didn't have to sit and do this now when there were other important and slightly urgent things to do, but ruining the jib door simply meant war and he had a nagging suspicion that Professor Nostaw had done it and if he thought he would ever have the upper hand, well, guess again!  
The library was empty. He walked among the shelves, poking his head here and there and asking himself where Remus would start looking. This made him think of the voodoo doll from two weeks ago. It made him think of the exam cheating scheme with the carbon paper, and this in turn made him think of replica magic.

And then he stopped by the Herbology section. _Magical Flora _by _Venoma Ives. _That book was always lying on Sprouts' desk. But no, it wouldn't do. Because he didn't have access to the two objects he wanted to connect, it would have to be something unique. Something mass produced wouldn't work. A voodoo doll was connected to a specific person. The map was connected to a specific building.

He simply had to recall everything that was in the greenhouse and in Sprouts' office. He had to go to his mind fair.

Spades, rakes and the like spun around on a Ferris wheel. Bags of dirt and bottles of gin screamed as the roller coaster took a sudden turn downwards. Jeff Lynne stood behind a stand and informed him that the prize for hitting a large urn with a pair of pruning-shears was a crystal bowl of liquorice allsorts. Sirius accepted because liquorice was the only type of legal sweet he liked, although he did prefer the salty variety. He hit the urn and it split in two. The halves fell on their backs and ashes poured down from the shelf like a waterfall.

He snapped out of his mind fair and was back in the library. He dug into his pockets and clicked open his little pocket mirror and put it to his ear.

"Lady to Bambi, do you copy, over"

Bambi copied quite quickly.

"This is Bambi speaking. If you have a serious inquiry to make, press 1. If you'd like to make a prank call, press 2. If you know how to get your wand out of a Night Anemone, press 3-"  
"'If you'd like me to stop fooling around and take something seriously for a change, press 4'"

"What can I do for you, Padfoot?"

"Look in the drawers. That's an order"

"Please hold" James hummed the tune of _The girl from Ipanema _on the way to Sprout's desk. "There are…0… callers before you. Do-do do-do-do-do do-do, do do-do do do do do-"

"Tequila!"

"I meant: do do-do-do, do do-do-do-do"

He opened the drawer. And took an opened box of liquorice allsorts that only had three pieces left. He poured them in his mouth.

"Stale" he said.

"Is there a photograph in the drawer?"

Some rummaging. "There is. One of those really old Victorian photos. They are so creepy. At least there aren't any dead babies in this one, just some guy with a moustache and a monocle"

"Her great grandfather, Russel Sprout"

"That's not his name"  
"Yes it is she mentioned it one time"

"Besides she's married, she has a wedding ring. Her great grandfather would not have been a Sprout unless she's one of those pro-marry your cousin pureblood fanatics, and somehow I doubt she is"

"I almost had you"

"Not even close"

"Some people keep their maiden names"

"What about the photograph?"

"And speaking of maidens, I think I have a way of rescuing you….I'll tell you while I go to Sprouts' office"

Sirius left the library, grabbing the giant book about portkeys, and set course towards the Hufflepuff dungeons.

"There are several ways to make portkeys, as you know. One way that doesn't require having both objects right next to each other is the Unique Portkey"

He skipped every third step on the stairs that led below ground level and turned left. Lanterns lit up the dark. Sprouts' office was quite close to the stairs.

"All the Unique Portkey requires is two objects that have a unique connection. For this purpose it will be the photograph and the ashes"

Sirius took the urn from the top of a shelf and put it on Sprouts' desk.

"The incantation is _Ostium Unum. _A string of light will appear and it must spiral around the object in seven rows. But we have to do it the exact same time, so… On three-"

"Wait! Do you happen to know how to get a wand out of a Night Anemone?"

Sirius sighed. Then he looked around some, and found a book on Teethed Flora and quickly looked up the page for the Night Anemone and was met by quite a wall of tiny font text. It was moments like this that made Remus' pathological nerdiness not seem so annoying after all.

"Please hold" he said, and hummed _The Girl from Ipanema. _

"These flowers are quite feisty" said James, trying to stick a dagger into the flower, but it just kept snapping at it. "They should be gagged, but I guess you couldn't get the light out that way. _Ow!"  
_The tiny font made Sirius' head hurt. "Have you tried stroking it?"

They sniggered at that tired joke for a moment. Then James realized he hadn't actually tried that, and thought that he might as well try that.

"Hey, it worked"  
"On three, then"

The charm went like a charm. James materialized in Sprout's office a moment later.

"Should I have taken the urn to the greenhouse?" Sirius asked.

"Doesn't matter now. Let's go"

They made it as far as to the greenhouses when Professor Nostaw emerged and disarmed them before they even saw him.

"I thought your mother was dying" he said to Sirius.

"Yes. And now she's dead and I'm quite upset-" he tried to trigger some tear flow.

"You seem _very _upset" then he turned James. "You really think you could get out of detention?"

Yes, he had really thought that.

"We're going to my office" said Professor Nostaw and seeing as they had no wands they had no alternative to abiding.

"What I don't understand" said Professor Nostaw. "Is why you would go back outside, like a murderer returns to a scene of crime"

Sometimes good explanations turned up too late.

"I had to leave for a moment" said James. "Take care of a thing"

"How did you even get out?"

Ok, not a good explanation. He shouldn't have bothered.

"I brought a portkey with me. I always carry a portkey around"

"Do you?"

"Yeah"

"Can I see?"

James dug into his pockets and put a snitch on the desk. It was either that or a gum wrapper.

"Magical objects aren't suitable portkeys" said Professor Nostaw. "Nor are students allowed to keep them"

"No. I noticed. I will never try that again"

Professor Nostaw stopped pacing and took the seat behind the desk.

"300 points from Gryffindor. Come with me"

They weren't going to the greenhouses this time, but down to the sewers. The path they took had so many turns that it felt like walking in a labyrinth. What a strange way to arrange the sewers. Of course this wasn't just sewers. Back in the olden days this had been the floor below the dungeons, full of classrooms and the like. But then for some reason they had all been abandoned and walls had been torn down to make room for just one giant sewer room. Lots of things didn't make sense at Hogwarts. The slogan committee had considered the alternative slogan: _Where nothing makes sense, _and had fittingly enough chosen a slogan that wasn't just nonsense, but was also irrelevant.

They came to a stop. Professor Nostaw turned an iron wheel on the wall and opened up the door to a room that looked like some kind of nuclear bomb shelter. Back in the good old days when Dark Arts had been on the curriculum, Hogwarts had had quite a lot of student murders. So they had been really clever and arranged their own juvenile prison for the culprits, where they would stay until they starved to death. It was all in _Hogwarts a history_.

Professor Nostaw ushered them into the room. It was dark, damp, empty, cold. Generally unpleasant.

"No jib exit in here. I've checked very thoroughly. See you tomorrow" he said before closing the door on them.

So there they were now, in a dark room where they couldn't even see each other. They couldn't find a lose piece of brick in this dark even if there was one, and a wizard was simply helpless without a wand. That didn't keep them from trying to feel the walls and the floor, 'though.

"What an arsehole" said Sirius.

"Now would be a great opportunity for your ugly sewer twin to save us" said James.

"That was uncalled for" said a third voice pitifully.

There was a pause.

"Sewer twin?"

"I don't have a name, but could you call me something else?"

"Ok. Do you have a name you'd like to be called?"

Another pause.

"Freddie"

"Alright. That's pretty unusual, Freddie, but sure"

"Your birth certificate said Cepheus" said Sirius.

"Now _there's_ a name that _won't _get your head kicked in at school!"

"_Cepheus? _No. Who's called that? I like Freddie, Freddie is a nice name" the sewer twin insisted.

"Yeah, I agree" said Sirius. "But if I couldn't be called Freddie, then you sure as hell may not, Cepheus! If anyone here is going to be called Freddie, it's _me!_"  
"Can he be called something else besides Freddie?" James asked. "Roger, perhaps? Or Brian?"

It was dark, but James could feel Sirius glaring.

"Or not after any member of Queen. Mick? Keith? Ronnie?"

"Oh, I like Ronnie!" said Cepheus.

"No" said Sirius. "No can do, Ceph"

And that was that. No use in arguing anymore.

"So, Ceph" said James. "Do you happen to, by any chance, know of any way out of here?"

"'Ceph' sounds like short of 'Joseph'" said Ceph.

"Just answer the question, Cepheus" said Sirius.

"Certainly I do. My night vision is very good. As I'm sure you know, this used to be a juvenile prison up until year 1900. That's when Dark Arts was removed from the curriculums"

"How do you know this?" James asked. "If you stay here all day, what chance have you had of reading anything, let alone learn to read? Or do people flush down books a lot?"

"Yes. But that boy that was with you last time, he used to come down here a lot more often before. But that was several years ago now. So hard to keep track of time. But he knew so much about so many things. And he would call me Freddie"

"Whatever. Is there or is there not a way out of here?" Sirius asked.

Cepheus lit his wand, illuminating his horrible face.

"You have a _wand?!"_

"Yeah. He yanked one from the lost and found for me one time"

"He's a better brother than you are" said James.

"Shut up! I only just met this one, as good as!" said Sirius.  
It dripped from the ceiling in a corner, creating rings in the thin puddle beneath. Cepheus led them there.

"This prison hole was arranged in the 1400s, by orders of Headmaster Nequissimus. He was quite controversial and evil and arranged a secret exit that only he would know of, should a riot break out and get him imprisoned. People of great power do this quite a lot, apparently."

"Is all of that in Hogwarts a History?" James asked.

"No" Cepheus looked down at the puddle, reminiscently. "I wonder if things worked out with those prying twats that kept jinxing his stuff. Kids can be so cruel"

"Yeah, well, maybe they just wanted to have a bit of fun. So, what about that secret exit?"

"And kids can be pretty nerdy, too" said Sirius.

"The puddle leads to the lake. All you do is say _There's no place like home _and tap your shoes together three times"

Light flickered above like blurry fireflies. The surface seemed so far away and yet when air filled their lungs at last they weren't that far from land. It was quite windy and the waves grew larger on the tidal water. Sirius got up first. James got delayed because his glasses fell off and he had to swim after them. Finding them in day light would have been challenging enough, in the dark… Well, perhaps his remaining senses just made up for what he lacked in the visual department, but he didn't have to swim very far to feel them in his hands again.

The thing the Black Lake was most known for was that an enormous squid lived in it and it moved around a lot. This squid was harmless, provided you didn't irritate it.

"You want me to pass you the soap?" Sirius shouted after having blow dried himself with the wand he had snatched from Ceph.

So close to the shore. A few strokes and James could practically walk the remaining bit. If only he hadn't accidentally stepped on a tentacle. Perhaps it was the moon that provided the squid with an extra dose of crazy, but it did not take kindly to that at all. The leg responsible for the infringement got instantly snared by a long, slimy collection of suction cups that reeled him back and nipped him in the leg. Then a white light hit it right in its fat head and it let go and just started passively at nothing as it slowly floated away.

"Fuck" James muttered, splashing much in the water in his struggle to get up.

"You are being such a princess today" said Sirius, wading out a little bit to help him.

"Shut up. I'm fine. Actually, no I'm not" James sank down on the sand. "Give me the wand"

Sirius did so. James wrapped his injured leg in band aid first. Then he shot an SOS to the sky. Then he returned wand back.

"Go"

"I could fetch some healing potion-"  
"-and be caught by Nostaw or some other professor? You'll be fine, and I don't particularly fancy the idea of becoming a were-squid"

"Of course _I'll _be fine, it's just a shame that we can't go out without you"  
"Doesn't mean he should be alone, now _go _before they see you!"


	8. The Attorney

Title: The Book of Janus

Part 8: The Attorney

The sky was slowly taking a shade of peach. The owls were calling it a night while the earliest birds started hunting for fat, juicy worms. Every happy chirp felt like a chainsaw through the brain. There wasn't a part of the body that didn't feel like it had been run over by a steamroller, finely milling every bone and leaving only a collection of pulped nerve fibers. This was what it must feel like to be a cruciated amoeba. Even the weight of the mangled t-shirt felt like tons. At this early stage of return to humanity he could still neither move nor speak. It was similar to a sleep paralysis in some ways. The whole experience had the surreal quality of a hypnopompic hallucination, where you were somewhere between sleep and wakefulness.

The door creaked open. Professor Nostaw looked around at the scratch marks on the walls. He knew it had to be here somewhere, he was sure of it. The boy seemed to be completely out of it. Whether or not he was sleeping with his eyes opened he couldn't really tell, but he looked vacant. A crowbar stood leaning against a wall. He went to pick it up. Under the floor somewhere, in other words. Silly students, they were _so _convinced they could outsmart adults. This whole book affair would be over soon, and that was all that mattered. The Dark Lord just couldn't afford having teenagers trying to break curses. Sure, they were practically just kids and not really worthy of any concern… But better safe than sorry. That book was better off in his possession. Nothing striked more terror in the ordinary magic person than werewolves, nor was there a better scapegoat for everything that was wrong and dangerous in the society. They were the perfect weapon, and so very easy to threat they were too. The Dark Lord was going to be so proud of Nostaw once he brought the book to him. He started tearing up the floor. Took him a minute to find it. The book, not the floor.

"500 points from Gryffindor" he said, looking through the book to make sure it wasn't fake or jinxed or anything like that. "Consider this your very first warning, although I really cannot fathom how you ended up here in the first place. But the Dark Lord works in mysterious ways… He must have had some motivation to _let _you get away… I'm sure he'll reel you in any time now, you freak"

He pondered stepping on the boy, whose eyes had started blinking a little by now, as a final illustration of his villainhood. He sort of resembled a melting iceperson, the way his fingers started twitching little by little. The door creaked open. He turned around, expecting Pomfrey. Alas, it was not.

"What are you doing here?" Nostaw demanded to know.

The plastic box of tiny flasks and other things from the hospital wing rattled. Sirius rearranged some bottles that had toppled.

"Special delivery. Morphine. Thorazine. Valium. Prozac. Lucky bastard…"

"Did you know of this?"

"Didn't exactly take Sherlock Holmes"  
"How did you get out of the prison hole?"

Some pondering. "Pomfrey let me out"  
"No she didn't!"

"Yes she did"

"No because nobody but me knew where you were!"

"Is that my book?"

"_Your _book?"

"Blimey you're thick… Yes, _my_ book! I will have it back now"

"Dark Literature isn't allowed at Hogwarts. You have already been temporarily expelled once already, I suggest you don't argue"

Sirius uncapped the Morphine and stuck a syringe in the bottle.

"Did you really come here _now _for that book?"

"When else was I supposed to have come for it? He's been more than reluctant to hand it over, I had no choice"

Sirius quite agreed that this wasn't the best time to argue about anything. He went over to Remus, got down on his knees and put the box on the floor. He had a bunch of drugs that would hasten the healing process, but he always started with rubbing a healing cloth over Remus' face to make things a little less uncanny before injecting any meds into his arm, starting with the morphine. Then the blood stopper, then the healing… All the meds had numbers on them, in order of what to give them as decided by Pomfrey. He always had to be so pumped with all kinds of meds that it was hard to tell just what the exhaustion and pain was really a side effect to. Pomfrey had been doing this part back in the day, but after the dragonpox outbreak of 1973, she had quite willingly allowed him to take over, agreeing that you didn't exactly need a diploma from St Mungos do stick a needle into somebody. And perhaps the sight of a mangled boy with a dead stare wasn't something anybody could stomach, but Sirius found watching somebody slowly come back to life a strangely meditative experience. Perhaps he was just strange that way. To him he just kind of looked like as if a genderbent Cinderella had been stabbed repeatedly with a sharp glass slipper by an angry pumpkin carriage. That fairy tale was brutal, so it wouldn't surprise him if there was a passage like that in the story.

Professor Nostaw certainly seemed to think he was strange for having the nerve to brush the tufted fringe from the blinking eyes of the battered. He was watching them as if they were a car crash.

"_What?"_ Sirius didn't jinx professors unless absolutely necessary, but this one was positively the most irritating one he had ever had the misfortune to meet and he was tempted to cast a jinx that would make his own tongue wrap around him like a boa constrictor.

"Some people really are _stupidly _brave…" Nostaw turned to leave.

Suddenly Sirius felt his sleeve being tugged.

"Sirius…" Remus whispered weakly, his breathing was very strained. "The book… don't… let…"

"The book can wait"

"You can forget about the book!" said Nostaw, his voice now raised. "It's going straight to the Dark Lord"

"What does he need it for?"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk… Brawns over brains indeed… He can't have people running around, trying to destroy one of his most powerful weapons, now can he?"

Ok, now would be a good time to jinx a professor. And Sirius was more prepared than ever, because he even had access to three wands. Nostaw whipped his out in a flash.

"Slashy, slashy!" he waved with it. "Who will get the blame, do you think?"

He clarified by directing the wand at himself.

"You will, for being stupid! The shack was put here for a reason"

"And yet, you, a mere student, seem to have the permission to come and go as you please. Slashy, slashy! And then: 'Oh, no! Guess it wasn't as safe as we thought!' Misjudgment of the century! Scandal! Well, ta for now"

But Remus was determined.

"The book!" Incidentally that was often the first thing he said.

"Later!" Sirius whispered back.

"No-"

"This one" Nostaw stomped across the room. "Is quite possibly the most stubborn and obsessed _freak _that I have ever" and as a final illustration of that villainy did Nostaw at last press his foot hard at Remus' hand that lied outstretched on the floor. Perhaps somebody who was brains-before-brawns would have responded more calculatingly, or coldly as you could also put it, but no Gryffindor- not even a brainy one- would have failed to recognize the situation as Reason To Jinx A Professor # 1. Sirius aimed his wand at Nostaw and cast _Acupuncturus. _A bunch of needles darted like arrows and briefly pinned him to the wall behind him. They wouldn't leave marks, but they were still painful.

A more brainy Gryffindor would have cast something more strategic, 'though, like Expelliarmus or Stupefy, and not something badass. At least for a start. Anything that wouldn't wear off the moment you lowered your wand. But wanting to make sure that Remus was ok did help put Sirius at a disadvantage, because the moment he looked away was the moment he got both disarmed and stupefied and lost that very brief upper hand.

He flew so hard into the wall behind that his clavicle got dislocated.

"I can slash you to a coma" said Nostaw, wand in duel position. "Put that wand down and I'll make sure they won't cancel life support"

"_Expelli_-"

Nostaw didn't even say a word and Sirius was slashed in the chest. The cut wasn't as deep as it could have been, but it still stung quite badly.

"I should probably warn you" he said, looking down at the growing blood stain on his sweater. "You shouldn't have done that"

"Why not?" Nostaw asked.

"Because this is all very stressful and I didn't give him the thorazine and the valium yet"

"So what? He _looks_ like a human and he can barely move"

"Yeah, well, I'd love to see you get mangled, but last time I tried to unleash him on somebody that totally deserved it I got expelled, so… Go if you value your life"  
Nostaw wasn't convinced that easily. The sky had already gone from peach to ice blue and the sun shone brightly behind the thin clouds. Surely everything was safe now.

"Nice try, but I warned you" he raised his wand again.

"And I you. I'm gonna bade you in healing potion afterwards"

"Maybe I'll go for the neck artery first and then do some additional decoration while you're dying"

"You'll be surprised at how energizing a psychosis can be"

Nostaw glanced over at Remus disbelievingly, who was still lying there as immobile as ever. He glanced back at Sirius.

"You're quite stubborn too, aren't you?"

"Key word being _surprised"_

"I'll make sure to stroke him-"

"Oh snap-"

The key word was indeed 'surprise'. Nostaw's wand and the book both fell out of his grip and he winced in pain as long nails sharp as razors burrowed into his shoulders and tore at his flesh. He could literally feel them into the bone. It hurt so much that his legs weakened and he sank down on his knees. He begged for help pathetically . Oh, Sirius wanted to just let him have it so badly and he wished he had brought a camera, but unfortunately most people did generally not find the sort of things he thought was funny to be funny at all. So he cast _Tranquilize _at Remus and he fell like a ripe apple instantly. Then he went for the book, but got disarmed of the remaining two wands in his possession. Nostaw was perhaps injured and bleeding a lot, but not in his legs so he could walk. Although moving his upper body hurt quite a bit now, he could still pick up his wand and the book and then he left, screaming for help and medical attention.

Daylight started filling the hospital wing as the sound of murmuring filled the halls outside. The clock on the wall was getting close to 9. James had been lying on his back staring at the ceiling and playing catch with the snitch for nearly five hours now. He had barely slept at all and his tiredness had gone from over-tiredness to tiredness. He really didn't need to be in the wing now, he thought, he wished she'd just give him a pair of crutches so he could be on his way. But Pomfrey was just way overprotective and would keep students overnight for hiccups.

He had long since opened the curtains around the bed. A swishy sound alerted him that the person next to him was doing the same now. He looked to his left.

"Morning, Cas" he said, quite surprised to see her here. She didn't look sick either and she beamed when she saw him.

"When did you get here?" she asked and hopped on to the side of his bed.

"Last night. Check this out" he sat up and rolled up the left leg of his trousers, revealing quite a long and purple scar with tentacle markings around it. It looked nastier than it felt. Cas wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"What happened?" she asked.

"The squid attacked me"

"Where you out swimming last night? In November?"

"Yeah. Why not, I thought"

"Well, what do you think of _this!"_ Cas lifted her top just a little bit to reveal the right side of her torso. She had a tiny red mark in the shape of a crescent.

"Carrows' going to get _banned!"_ she straightened the top down again.

"Were you midnight dueling or something?"

"Cruciatus. But it felt like tickle-me-atus. Those Slytherins love showing off their dark spells. But some leave evidence, so the jokes' on them. Look, visitors!"

Lily and Mac had silently joined their little one on one.

"How you feeling this fine morning?" Mac asked.

"Just as fine as I did last night. Is it just me or are fat people just not as good at magic as thin and beautiful people?"

They all pondered the question for a moment, trying to think of at least one fat person that excelled in some course.

"What are you here for?" Mac asked James.

"Swimming related… accident"

"Check this out!" Cas tried to pull up his trouser leg and he tried to prevent her. "Come on, why are you fussing?"

"Not in front of… ladies! It's not appropriate!" said James.

"Are you saying I'm not a lady? How _dare _you?" Cas managed to roll up enough so everyone could see the hideous squid mark. They all wrinkled their noses in a girly fashion.

"Were you swimming in the lake?" Lily asked.

"Yeah"

"In _November?"_

"Why not?" James unfixed Cas' hands from his trouser leg and rolled it down again. "I'm so sorry Cas made you see that"

"Well, guess what happened to me in Potions just now?" said Lily, after a moments' hesitation and a yawn and removed the glove on her right hand. The hand was bright red and covered in blisters that looked like purulent eyes and they even blinked. They made weasel sounds when you popped them. James started popping them like bubble wrap.

"That's disgusting, stop it!" Lily giggled and put the glove back on.

"Dorcas Ignatia Meadows" said Cas. "If you were looking for baby names"  
"Is Pomfrey in?" Lily left to look for Pomfrey.

"Have you had any other visitors this morning?" Mac asked.

"No. Jerks" James replied.

Suddenly Professor Nostaw came striding by in much hurry, looking quite badly slashed but not so badly that it prevented him from walking quickly towards the exit. Pomfrey tailed after him. James suddenly remembered the moaning and whimpering he had heard earlier.

"I don't understand. The healing potion should have done it!"

"It doesn't look like it did, Poppy. I really can't stay"

"I'm sure I can find something that works-"

"You will not keep me locked up for another minute. I must see Headmaster Dumbledore this instant!"

"Oh my God what happened to Professor Nostaw?" Cas gasped.

"Maybe he's a flagellant" Mac suggested.

"A _what?"_ James asked.

"One of those religious penance nut jobs that whip themselves" Mac clarified. "Or do you have a better idea?"

No. He had no idea how Mac could have thought of a really farfetched theory more quickly than he had.

What was worse was what Nostaw was carrying.

Well, today was quite possibly the second suckiest day in Remus' life so far, but the fact that it was still progressing did push it closer to the absolute suckiest ever. As soon as he had regained enough energy for walking shorter distances and had made it to the entrance hall had he instantly been ordered by McGonagall to follow her to Dumbledores' office. There, his very sensitive hearing had had to put up with a cacophony of raised voices until Dumbledore had finally convinced the other grown-ups to take the shouting to another room, calling it "checking with the authorities".

The veiled windows dimmed the light in the circular room. Everything was exhausting and everything hurt, why even the silent tears streaming down the cheeks burnt a little. A slender hand rested on his left shoulder, making gentle stroking motions and interestingly enough was that just about the only part that wasn't in pain. He would probably have taken offence to that fact, had he not been so overwhelmed by fatigue and sadness. And pumped with valium and thorazine. Not that that was necessary anymore, only the first three hours after the return-shift were high risk.

"Please don't cry or I will turn your tears into acid, as my mother would say" said Sirius and started pulling a long chain of colourful handkerchiefs out of his right sleeve and gave the tip of it to Remus.

"Could she not stand to see you cry?" Remus sniffed, drying.

"She could stand uncontrolled screaming even less. Never tried that again, in other words. Very embarrassing having to explain to the neighbours that she does, too, discipline her children according to the _Cruciatum Parentum, _thank you very much!"

Although that was simply horrible, Sirius did always make his upbringing sound so entertainingly quirky.

"I'm sorry you've had to put up with such a person. And that she's probably had to put up with such a person"

"Please, no need to be all psychoanalytic. When I badmouth her, please just agree with me, will you?"

"Sorry. But she _did _say 'please'"

"No she didn't. That was embellishment"

The tears started trafficking down again, as if they had only been temporarily halted by a red light.

"You won't be expelled. No one's blaming you for anything. They're not even blaming _me"_

"How does that feel?"

"Kind of unimportant. Is that normal?"

Suddenly Dumbledore and McGonagall came barging back in. She went straight up to Sirius, seemingly hesitating about something.

"You might want to leave, just for a moment"

"Why?"

"Professor Nostaw is bringing 'the best attorney in all of Wizard Britain'. It's your call, but I thought I'd warn you"

Chills down his spine. Not that he would have left anyway for all the spine chills in the world, but then Nostaw came barging in with the attorney before he had had a chance of reaching the conclusion verbally in his mind.

The attorney was tall and slim and had a certain ageless quality similar to that of a light elf or an angel even (albeit a fallen one because he didn't seem particularly warm or serene, but definitely calm) and his fashionable robes were as black as his hair, which kind of looked like as if it was being gently fanned by a breeze although there was no wind and his eyes were as pale as his mother of pearl buttons. He seemed to be quite acquainted with the principle of matching.

He cast a quick glance at Sirius first, then at Remus and then he put the heavy law books he had brought on Dumbledore's desk, now seemingly ignoring them both.

"I wasn't informed, how is he involved in this?" he asked Dumbledore coolly, not even meeting his eyes.

"If you're referring to your son, he's here as emotional support"

"Oh, he hasn't been my son for… what, three months or so?"

"Perhaps he better leave, as to not disrupt the procedure" said Professor Nostaw. "He does like to disrupt"

Professor seemed to have changed to an un-bloody robe at last, but still moved as though in pain when he remembered to fake it. Pomfrey had personally attested that she had given him the most efficient healing potion, a potion that had always worked on any kind of cut.

"And perhaps there is a paragraph that disallows the presence of… whatever the legal term for 'emotional support' is. Unlawful interference, perhaps"

"If he wants to stay, fine" the attorney shrugged nonchalantly. "Maybe learning a thing or two about the importance of law and order will do him good"  
When he for the second time caught Sirius' eye, Remus could feel the grip on his shoulders tighten. Operating in the same instinct did his left hand unconsciously put itself on Sirius' right, but it dropped back into the lap the instant he saw the attorney looking at him reproachfully. So Sirius put it back, nonchalantly studying its nails. The nails were pretty awesome, really strong and they could grow really long and they made great guitar picks and more efficient potions.

"The 70s is by far my favourite decade so far" said Dumbledor, having watched them. "At last men can hug and hold hands and snog and show affection and be generally intimate without it being considered gay. Age of free love indeed! I was born too early…"

"It's never too late, headmaster" said McGonagall.

"The love of my life is late, unfortunately. And I'm not as sexy as I once was"

"Some people are very into more distinguished types"  
"Distinguished is one thing. Wrinkly balls is another-"  
"Ahem" the attorney cleared his throat. "Perhaps we better get the whole ordeal over with. The subject is accused of attempted murder on my client. Several paragraphs fully support that the appropriate punishment is no less than for him to be sent to juvenile Azkaban"

"Name one paragraph" said Dumbledore challengingly.

"Paragraph 16: If a werewolf attacks a person it must be sent to Azkaban or juvenile Azkaban and in the latter receive the dementors' hug"

"What's the dementors hug?" Nostaw asked.

"It's when they hug you really tightly so it hurts. It _really _hurts"

"Ah…" said Dumbledore, defeated.

"Now, wait" said McGonagall. "What about paragraph 24: if a legal adult enters a high risk area after having received a warning not to, he or she alone must be held accountable"

The attorney and Nostaw whispered amongst themselves. Then the attorney turned back to McGonagall.

"My client received no such warning"

McGonagall's eyes narrowed. Then she and Dumbledore turned away from the others and whispered amongst themselves.

"I _told _you we should have given them written warnings!" said McGonagall. "You've always been so trusting!"

"Now's not the time to argue, Minerva!"

They turned back.

"We'd like to call a witness" said McGonagall, rounding the desk and turning to Sirius. "What happened, exactly?"

"Well. Hang on" The chain of handkerchiefs had somehow gotten stuck to the chair. Reluctantly did he cut it in half to unstuck himself. "He was there when I came and was acting like a generally malicious dickhead. And then he threatened to sectusempra himself and pretend it was an attack"

"Dickhead, you say…" Dumbledore nodded pensively. "And those are your exact words?"

"And did he sectusempra himself?" McGonagall ask.

"Yes. Yes he did" said Sirius.

"So no one attacked anyone with claws or teeth?"

"Nope"

"Thank you" McGonagall returned to the front of the desk.

Having very strong morals, Remus did not terribly fancy the idea of having lies potentially getting him out of a jam like this.

"That's not-"

"_Shush!" _ Sirius put a hand on Remus' mouth.

"So, Mr. Attorney" said McGonagall. "Professor Nostaw attacked himself"

"Ha!" Dumbledore added to that.

"Why would my client do that?" the attorney asked.

McGonagall coughed. "I'd like to call a witness" She went once again to Sirius, in no particular hurry to give him enough time to cook up a good lie.

"And, what was the motivation?"

"How should I kn-" He stopped, remembering the whole book ordeal. If he made something up, Nostaw could easily tell the truth and show them the book as evidence. "I honestly don't know. Because he's a prick with inferiority complex?"

Meanwhile Nostaw had given the book to the attorney, as predicted.

"My client" said the attorney. "Went to fetch an illegal book, unaware that he was entering a high risk area. This made the subject so blinded with rage that he attacked the client. _This morning_. _Unshifted!"_

"Is this true?" McGonagall asked.

"Never seen that book in my life, have you?" he looked down at Remus, who still couldn't talk for the hand before his mouth. "'No I haven't never!' There, you see?"

"Word against word" McGonagall told the attorney.

"I know what happened!" said Dumbledore. "You probably planted that book somehow so he would find it and then accuse him of possessing an illegal book. Your inferiority complex being the motivation"

The attorney seemed to be fighting a sneer. "I don't understand why you defend it. Would you go through all this trouble if it was some other student accused like this? Do you honestly not think that crimes ought to be punished and that locking it away would be the safest thing to do?"

Dumbledore snorted, discretely opening a desk drawer "Of course we would, what are you implying…"

"Don't be silly…" McGonagall slid a brochure for _The_ _world's smartest 16 year old contest; if you have a student with encyclopedic knowledge, have him or her win a bunch of money for your school in this international live broadcasted quiz!' _into the drawer. 

The attorney closed all the books that lied open on the desk.

"I don't think you understand… You don't have a chance against me and the law. I won before I set foot in this office and his things have long since been sent home. The subject remains accused of attempted murder, there is no other way to interpret the situation and there are plenty of ways to find evidence; truth serum, for example, or occlumency"

"Well, good!" said McGonagall. "Then we can easily find evidence that professor Nostaw was indeed warned very thoroughly by me!"  
Suddenly two aurors game barging in and seized Remus.

"I guarantee you that my people will _personally_ check the truthfulness of your testimony very carefully" said the attorney. "Don't protest and the presses won't have to be alerted. I'll be in touch"

The attorney left, as did the aurors with Remus. Nostaw strummed Janus' book, heading towards the door.

"Class just started, I believe. I'll try not to be too late. Anyone who tries something sneaky will only anger the presses, and you lot don't seem to find a safe society to be that important, so… Watch it. Ta"

Dumbledore sank back into his chair.

"Well, bummer" he said.

"And we were going to get working plumbing and better pay at last…" McGonagall sighed.

"Well?" said Sirius.

"'Well' what?"

"You're always telling us not to meddle and pry and stay in after curfew and let the grown-ups take care of things. So? Since I'm here anyway, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to write a _very _angry letter…" said Dumbledore, taking a quill from his cup of quills.

"I'm sorry, but our hands are tied legally" said McGonagall. "We will have to find him an attorney that _isn't _corrupt, so that will take some time, but with persistence-"  
Sirius left the office.

"No please think of the rules" McGonagall yelled halfheartedly after him. "He's so resourceful. I'm so glad we snagged him. What we lose in points we gain in more time and free labour"

"Yeah. So nice to let them take care of everything, I really missed poker night" Dumbledore dipped his quill in some ink and just doodled _attorney fellow _over a piece of parchment and then hearts around it.

When nobody had given James any crutches, he had had no choice but to summon his trusted _Starman 63 _and get around that way. Making it to the dorm to find that all of Remus' possessions were gone and that his bed was unmade further confirmed that nagging suspicion in a terrible way. Flying down the stairs he met Sirius.

"_What did you do?!"_ he asked, flying up close into Sirius' face, very accusingly, like any sensible person would.

"_Nothing!"_ Sirius jolted a little. James didn't generally reproach him very lightly. "Turns out professor Nostaw really wanted that book as well, and what better time is there to take something from somebody than when they are as good as paralyzed?"

"So? I saw him with that book this morning. Why wasn't the affair over by then?"

"I don't know, because it got personal or something? People aren't necessarily mature just because they are legally adults"

James shifted from lotus position to letting the legs dangle over one side as if he was sitting on a fence.

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know"

"_You don't know?"_

"Aurors just showed up and took him away, ok? First there was talk of juvie Azkaban, then there was talk of court. There was also a whole bunch of lying. For all I know they might think that just locking him in immediately might save time. Who's going to care?"

Sirius backed a little. Having James glaring at him from a distance of a millimeter made him slightly nervous. But James seemed to take his word for it, and flew a little higher.

"Sometimes it's not a question of 'where', but of 'who knows'" he said.

Sirius knew what he had to do.

"_Dammit!"_ he said, pushing the fat lady open and leaving the commonroom once again. Poor thing hadn't slept for over 24 hours and he hadn't had any coffee for seven.


	9. A Great Escape

Title: The Book of Janus

Part 9: The Great Escape

The Court of Diagon Alley was just a few numbers down Candlestickmaker Street from Gringotts. The attorney was in his office, writing new paragraphs that he thought society needed. For example: a law against men wearing their hair in buns. That just looked stupid.

There was a knock on the door. He could tell from the way the smoke on the incense on his desk shifted colours that it was his secretary, Irma.

"Come in" he said.

The door opened.

"Mr Black"

"Irma"

"You have a, erm, a visitor"

Sirius was right behind her, pouring a gallon of hot espresso into his mouth.

"Does he have an appointment?" the attorney didn't even look up once.

"No"

"My visitors must make appointments"

Irma turned to Sirius.

"You will need an appointment"

"Ok. How's right now?"

"One moment" Irma checked with her calendar. "I believe right now is available"

"Send him in" said the attorney.

Irma left the office, closing the door behind her.

"Alright, where is he?" Sirius asked, putting his hands on the desk.

"Who?"

"The 'subject' from 'this morning'!"

"Your little psycho friend was taken to juvie Azkaban" the attorney looked up. "You really will do anything for a kick, won't you? Tell me, was having a werewolf pet everything you imagined it would be?"

Not exactly, Sirius had to admit. He had imagined it involving a lot more 'Get him, boy!' and less nagging about homework.

"Your new one is quite different from the one we got you for your seventh birthday. Remember? We had to put it down because you thought it screamed too much"

"Whatever! What was all that talk of court and occlumency and all that?"

"Completely unnecessary, I grant you that"

"They are going to find another attorney-"

Sirius' father started laughing, and quite heartily too.

"That will be such a waste of time. There is not a paragraph in the world that can save it. You know why? Because werewolves don't have legal rights. Being one is as good as a crime in itself. The law doesn't encompass magical creatures"

In any case, Sirius had gotten the answers he wanted and left since he really had no reason to stay longer.

A wizard was helpless without a wand… Fortunately, McGonagall had made sure to return the disarmed wands to both Sirius and Remus after having brought them to Dumbledores' office. Magic could be operated very discretely, in ways that didn't require holding on to them but you did at the very least need to keep it on you. Then Remus had simply been saved by bureaucracy; halflings weren't generally checked for wands because they didn't generally possesse them and the aurors that had seized him had just quickly brought him straight to Juvie Azkaban and left instantly because their coffee break was just starting. And the guards naturally assumed that the aurors had done their job, not knowing that aurors actually pretty much sucked at their job.

A guard shoved Remus into a dark, cold room where he could see nothing but a minor ocean of eyes glowing in shades between red and yellow. He sneezed. His wand came out of his nose. Lumos. The heavy door opened again. He shoved the wand back up his nose quickly.

"Amulius" the guard called, reading from note.

The merciless crowd shoved Amulius towards the exit.

"No, please!"

But the guard just grabbed hold of him and the door closed once more. After a moments wait, the wand could come back again. He aimed the light at the crowd.

"Good day" he said.

One feral and badly scarred figure swept up close to him.

"You're in luck, Numitor! You're no longer the weakest!" he growled, sounding like a gremlin, and tried to take the wand, but got stupefied instantly.

"How do you have a wand?" another one asked, glaring with murderous envy. "And why do you look so… whole and tidy?"

"Get away from me!" Remus aimed the wand at her threateningly. "You will all behave, or… or I will jinx you!"

They all stayed back, not sure what to make of this unexpected situation. Remus was very conflicted. He wanted to save them all, but at the same time they all seemed so ferocious and uncivilized that he seriously believed they could jeopardize things. And yet, if he got out would it make him a hypocrite? Could you pull a My Fair Lady on this bunch, or was the general ferocity too deeply ingrained within them? Was this his propaganda washed brain talking?

Fact of the matter, he just couldn't take them all with him and just leave them while he went and tried to break the curse. He studied them for a moment, thinking they were fairly whole looking themselves, although it looked like they hadn't washed their hair for months. Then he saw in the corner the disembodied head of someone that had probably been around 14 in a puddle of blood. His stomach turned. He covered his mouth and looked away.

"Where do you all come from, anyway?" he asked.

"Hogsmeade" said one.

"Luton" said another.

"And they, what, came and fetched your from your homes?" Remus asked.

"The aurors did a raid on the Ganymede Cliffs" one of them explained. "That's where our collective is, by the way, since you look so clueless. Got quite a lot of us, but not all"

"Where is that?"

"Wizards' Perths' Ancient Woodland"

Wizard's Perth was quite close to Hogsmeade.

"Now you listen to me!" said Remus. "I can get you all out, but on one condition!"  
"You can?"

It would be risky, but it was worth a shot.

"You must all swear to not attack anybody"

They all glanced at each other, as if to say: can you believe this idiot?

"There's just one problem: _we can't actually help it!"_

"So… be creative! Or… just… try… Do you _swear _to try?"

They glanced at each other that way again.

"Oh yeah. We _swear!"_

"Hide your wand!" one of them suddenly said, looking panicky. Remus did. The door opened.

"Tiber" said the guard.

This crowd was not about looking out for each other, they pushed each other to their doom quite readily. Perhaps they had long since learned that trying to protect one another was no use. They didn't have any wands, after all. They were simply helpless. The door closed again, and now they were once more one number less than before.

Remus sneezed out the wand again, and now he was operating fast. He made a cut in his palm and smeared a large dodecagram on the damp floor whilst murmuring some kind of chant until red fumes started rising from the symbol. With himself in the middle circle, he pulled a small chain of colourful handkerchiefs out of his ear and dropped it before his feet.

"This is a portkey" he explained. "I don't know where the receiving port key is, somewhere at Hogwarts probably, which is why you must do exactly as I say. I will go first and get the receiver some place safe so you have to wait 10 minutes after I have gone before you start using it. And here's the kicker: you swear by passing this ring of smoke, and if you break the swear you will be sent back here. _Is that clear?_ You _have _to wait and not get too eager, it's for your own good! Small ones first! Then alphabetically!"

He wanted to make sure no pushing would ensue. They seemed to have no problem understanding that. Remus put his foot on the handkerchief on the ground, praying it would work.

Candlestickmakerstreet was so full of joy and sunshine that Sirius wanted to curse the chirpy cobblestone dwellers. He was so tired and irritated from lack of sleep and recent events that he couldn't think properly. And he got irritated with the half of the chain of handkerchiefs that was still dangling out of his sleeve. He pulled the whole of it out and threw it on the ground.

He was just about to go to the nearest fire station when somebody grabbed him from behind. He turned, startled.

"A safe place!" said Remus. "Some place safe, discrete, good for hiding! Anything! Can you think of a place like that, that's close from here?"

Blimey, that had to be the shortest prison visit ever. Sirius looked around at the surrounding buildings.

"Gringotts" he said.

"Gringotts?"

"When my uncle decided to fake his death and go and live an adventurous life in the tropics somewhere, he left me the key to his vault. So naturally, I moved all of his cash to my vault. His is now empty"

"Completely empty? People aren't allowed to keep empty spare vaults"

"I may have left… a bit of loot. As a safety thing. You never know when a safe location for hiding may come in handy"

They made it to the almost empty vault just within ten minutes and just in time for the first little girl to materialize. They didn't know what to do with her, besides offering m&m's, but then she revealed that she had a sister that she wanted to wait for so all the siblings got to wait for each other, and the younger children who had no one got to accompany someone older. It was truly heart wrenching to watch.

"Maybe I should adopt another one…" Sirius pondered.

"They're cute when they're small, aren't they?" said Remus dryly.

"They _are _cute when they are small"

Most of the refugees didn't bother hanging around to exchange pleasantries. Some, namely girls, briefly halted their great escape to a bit shamelessly gawk at Sirius as if he was a flock of fairies at a clearing.

"Hi what's your name?" he said to one such gawker, and startled when she startled and ran off.

"I'm in the book!" he yelled after her. "What?"

"It's just that, you always make cracks at the way_ I_ dress" said Remus.

"I've learned something. It doesn't matter what you wear or what your hairstyle is. What matters is your make-over potential"

"Close enough"

"Forget indigenous women. Feral chicks is where it's at. Rawr! You know what I'm saying! High five!"

Alas, he received instead of a high five a glare of disapproval.

"Prongs would high five…" Sirius muttered. "Actually maybe he wouldn't. He does seem to side with you a lot more than me"

All the escapers were out and free within an hour. They were all advised to just leave Diagon Alley and seek refuge in Muggle Diagon Alley, where people would just take them for ordinary bums. Remus picked up the chain of handkerchiefs.

"This has to be moved, and quickly before they find…" he took a couple of deep breaths, because the vault had started spinning and blurring.

"How are you not completely knackered?"

No reply. For a short moment did Remus just stare blankly into space. Then his eyes rolled back, the handkerchiefs fell out of his hand he fell back, fainting. Catching him under his arms felt like that trust exercise, and he was as light as an autumn leaf. Perhaps that wasn't so strange, considering he was vegetarian and vegetarians only ate leaves. And m&m's. Sirius let him down.

There was no time to move the handkerchief now, it was best to just destroy it altogether, so that's what Sirius did, and with a charm that would simultaneously destroy the other half. Then he cast the Fluid Replacement charm or Remus, then the _Salus Volatilus. _

"The portkey" he said, making effort to sit up after regaining consciousness, but being held back.

"Gone. Rest"

"I can rest on the train to Wizards' Plymouth"

"When the guards find 13 hug sentenced prisoners gone, there is just a teensy bit chance they will suspect you first, considering you were the only educated one. You won't put up much of a fight if you keep fainting"

"Sure I will, with _Caffeinus Maxima_ZZZzzzZZZzzz" his head sunk back down on the pleasantly cool stone floor. When Sirius then cast _Caffeinus Maxima _on himself, he simply got so over-caffeinated that he passed out as well.

The train to Wizards' Plymouth whistled as it closed in on the platform. Remus was travelling light, carrying nothing but a wand and a bit of cash he had made helping people with homework or simply doing it for students who were that lazy.

"Wish me luck" he said.

"Look, I would offer to come with you, but-"

"No. You have to stay and get shady professors sacked. Although Professor Vance didn't deserve it-"

"It was consensual, but they are so rigid!"  
_5 minutes until departure, _said a voice in the speaker.

"Listen, there's something… I should probably tell you…" Sirius had been battling, ever since the whole book incident had started, whether or not to tell the truth. One moment it seemed like a good idea, and the next it seemed like a bad one. He just couldn't make up his mind. And right now it had felt like a good idea, but the moment he had opened his mouth it had transformed into a bad idea again.

"Regarding that book, before you get any silly ideas" he added, because the atmosphere was just a little bit tense and emotions had been running a little bit high and implications had been made for, well, for years.

"What silly ideas? What silly ideas could I get?"

"Never mind…"

After everything that had happened, it seemed a bit late to come forward with the truth. And yet, if he waited, there was a chance he would wish he hadn't.

"I am really sorry, by the way" said Remus. "That it got taken. It was the exact thing he wanted to avoid, wasn't it?"

"Don't be, you couldn't see that coming"

"You said it would cause problems, what if… what if it's started?"

"Superstition is what it is"

He just couldn't say it.

"What was it you wanted to tell me?"

"Just that… erm… Don't you think you should wait until you have a more solid plan?"

"Wait where? I was expelled and I'm not going home ever again"

"Why not?"

"I kind of like not being sheltered and… paranoid..."

"I'm sorry you've had to put up with such people"

"They mean well, I'm being completely unfair"

"They sound like twats. I should know, takes one to know one"

"Nothing could be farther from the truth"

"How long do you want to bet it will take for you to take that back?"

"When did you get so self-deprecating? Anyone can act like a twat, doesn't make them one"

"You couldn't"

"How long do you want to bet it will take for you to take that back?"

_The Wizards' Plymouth Express will depart in _2 _minutes._

Unspoken uncertainty about the future hung in the air like a thickening mist.

"Well, take care" Sirius seized Remus and squeezed him tightly.

"You too"

"Get a room, you fairies!" yelled a man in brace trousers, waving a pitchfork.

"When you take your hand out of your pocket, you perv!" Sirius shouted back at him.


	10. An Important Lesson

Title: Book of Janus

Part 10: An Important Lesson

"Did you give him the stone?" James' leg had healed at last, but he missed the cool scar so he had fetched a purple felt pen to draw with on his leg from memory.

"I did. How in the world did _Ruby Tuesday_ help you figure out he had it and how to get it?" Sirius shaded the scar drawing with a blue felt pen.

"It was the bits the radio in his dream was playing. '_Yesterday don't matter if it's gone' _and '_When you change with every new day'. _I thought; maybe whatever he is keeping hidden, what if it changes location? _'There's no time to lose, I heard her say'. _What if the location changes are somehow connected to what time it is? _'Catch your dreams before the slip away'. _His clock looks like a dream catcher, with feathers for hands. It was 10:30 when I went to his office. I picked out the book 10 in his Encyclopedia Oneirologica collection and opened up page 30. The 'd's were missing. What could it mean? And then it struck me! Then I saw the piano! I had been so blind! The whole time I was thinking: are there no keys anywhere? _The key of D! _I pressed it and the correct drawer opened! And there was a moonstone. If he's going through all this trouble to hide it, then I should at the very least take it to spite him"

"Hm" Sirius had been shading the same suction cup for the last 10 minutes now.

"Why don't we go to Liberty Cap Island once we've gotten professor Nostaw sacked and the book back?"

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'? Because you're acting like a lovesick puppy, that's why. And taking notes sucks!"

"I said from the beginning that it's not going to work. I never wanted to encourage this and I still don't"

Maybe it was the whole ordeal with the dream association that made James better at putting 2 and 2 together.

"It's just possible that you did it wrong"

"Yeah. Of all the billions of ways you can do it wrong, I did it wrong one way. Now there's one billion ways minus 1 less ways of doing it wrong"

"Maybe reversing the steps isn't at all the way to go. There are other ways to break curses"  
"Like what?"

James smirked, only able to come up with one. "True loves' first kiss?"

"If you know where to find an anthropomorphic Encyclopedia Britannica, I'd like to hear it"  
The radio was playing in the background.

_And that was _Leo Sayer _with _Long Tall Glasses. _Now let's see just what song is number 3 on this weeks' Top of Hogsmeade Chart! _

The intro to _Puppy Love _began to play. James tried to suffocate a giggle. A green flashing light hit the radio before the singing even started, breaking it to pieces.

Then Sirius got off the bed.

"Where are you going?" James asked.

"To see Freddie. What was it I had to do? Draw a circle with a piece of chalk and shake hands?" Sirius snagged a book entitled _Dealbreaking Rituals_ from a small table.

The door slammed shut. James left the dorm, catching up with Sirius as he exited the common room.

"Ok, you seem a little tired. Maybe you should take a nap or something" he suggested.

"I've already taken a nap today. Maybe there is one thing in my life that I can set right"

"Now, hang on! How is doing that switcheroo going to make anything better?"

"It will for him, won't it? And the world will get a much nicer 'me'"

"Nice is by far the kindest word for 'boring', is it not?"

"It is. If you would take some French lessons, I would greatly appreciate it. It would make rescuing me from a Parisian cathedral much easier"

James kept arguing all the way down to the sewers.

"Can't you wait, at least? I was really counting on you helping with getting that book back"

"Nice people are also quite helpful, as a rule"

He gave the book to James, got down on the ground and started drawing that circle, calling after Freddie simultaneously.

"If this is about you feeling bad because you failed that thing, don't! Things like that are notoriously difficult! There's a reason it hasn't been done before you! It's not like… he'd be mad or disappointed if he knew"

"How would you know?"

"He's forgiven you for a lot worse"  
"Yeah. Now he won't have to forgive me for anything ever again. _Freddie!"  
_"Don't be a drama queen! You've never needed my forgiveness! Don't I count for anything?"

"Of course you do. Say after me: _La singe est sur la branche. _It's not like it will kill me!"

"No, but…" _You won't be as pretty. So, so pretty. _

"Hello" said Freddie.

"Step into this circle, will you" said Sirius, averting his eyes because Freddie was just so very hideous.

"What's this?" Freddie asked, abiding.

Wanting to be done with it quickly, Sirius took Freddies' fat and purulent hand. A thick white mist surrounded them like a cocoon, and it shone so brightly that James had to look away. _  
_The results were quite shocking. He looked down at the book, scanning for answers.

"I'm sexy!" said Freddie, looking down at his new body and rubbing his hands all over it. He was perhaps dressed in a sack, but now he kind of made it work.

"So am I! Did he lie to me?" Sirius looked at his normal hands, disappointed. "And I was so prepared to make this noble sacrifice! This sucks!"

"It says right here" said James, book in hand. "That _'he who is intent on taking on the abominable shall receive the reward of great outer beauty, presuming he has learned an important lesson about how beauty is in fact on the inside and in the eyes of the beholder-' _Bla, bla, bla. You learned your lesson, yes?"

"Inner beauty means outer beauty, I already knew that"

"See, if you had known this you would have become ugly because you wouldn't have been intent of nobly sacrificing your hotness"

They watched in silence Freddie blissfully run his hands over his new body.

"I feel strangely violated" said Sirius. "And a little turned on, at the same time"

"Sorry" Freddie stopped.

"What are you gonna do now?" James asked. "Start at Hogwarts?"

"I would have to start at year 4, that would be embarrassing" Freddie flicked some hair from his face. Then he started feeling it. "_Wow!"_

"Year _4_?"

"No, I have a better idea! Hang on!" Freddie disappeared for a moment and then came back with a book, opening the back cover. "It's a map over a tropical island that somebody has doodled. Complete with doodles of treasure chests and indigenous women. I want… I want adventure! I want action! I want to live!"

"How did you get that book?" Sirius asked.

Freddie averted his eyes, in slight shame.

"It's not like anybody brings me any food!"

"Are you… are you saying…"

They heard the sound of moaning and followed it to the prison hole. There lied Professor Nostaw, hands and feet having been chewed off and wincing in agony.

"It _did _eat people!" James gasped.

"It was that or rats, ok!" said Freddie. "He came down here to drop the book off temporarily. I was hungry"

"Please help" said Professor Nostaw pitifully. "I will resign, retract all charges and the boy can come back-"

"Slashy, slashy" Sirius looked down at Professor Nostaws' chewed off hands, waving with his wand. "Hm, must be something left to cut off… People like you shouldn't be allowed to have children…"

He grinned coldly. A look off terror spread across Nostaws' face.

"You're a bloody psychopath!" he stuttered.

"High functioning narcissist. Do your research"


	11. Bluebell!

Title: The Book of Janus

Part 11: Bluebell!

Reverse the steps, reverse the steps… Cold winds blew up a storm on Liberty Cap Island. Autumn had been long lasting this year, November and December had been warmer than it had been in years on the temperate isle south of Wizards' Plymouth, which meant that certain psychedelic mushrooms had had a longer season than usual. Four weeks had Remus spent working out the plan, scraping by through selling said certain psychedelic mushrooms to one of the herb shops in Liberty Cap Town.

Anyway, the time had come at last to put things into practice.

Reversing the steps, in a literal sense, was simply impossible in real life but the wonderful thing about dreams was that nothing was impossible there. But certain things did still require that you were quite a powerful lucid dreamer. In the dream he could recreate every character that had been present; Igor, the wife and Janus himself and being the dreamer meant that Remus played the part of them all.

Taking the role of the wife and rejecting the killing curse and make it shoot back into Igors' wand had been the last step to reverse, and very challenging to stage without losing control and waking up.

But he had made it at last. And when he had, the surrounding set piece of the dream had swirled upwards like a tornado and it had spun like a blender until it slowed down again only to materialize as Janus himself. And Janus had first pointed to the sky where clouds arranged themselves as letters, making the following words: _She, yesterday, came, she. _Then a new row: _Goodbye, ruby. _And then a third: _to. _

And then he had taken from Remus the moonstone, turned it upside down and there had been a key hole that he didn't recognize from waking life and it started bleeding from the keyhole and then he woke up.

That's how he knew that it was this very Monday it all had to be done, on the shift between Monday and Tuesday. It was fullmoon, but very cloudy. Not that that normally did more than postpone things a bit, but a ring of white mushrooms seemed to form some kind of protective shield together with the stone.

He turned it. There was no key hole there. He made a cut in his hand, and wrote with blood the letter 'e' on its underside. It started feeling ice cold and shaking violently.

He raised it to the stormy sky and sucked in all the storm clouds. He could see the moonlight trying to break free as if attracted by a powerful magnet. This was it.

Then he was hit in the back by something that felt like a sharp razor, and it dug deep. He sank to the ground, the stone fell out of his hands. Somebody ran by him and took it.

"The letter 'e'" said Nostaw. "I should have been able to figure that out"

Nostaw had been put together at St Mungos after having been chopped to pieces in the prison hole. He had given his word to retract the accusations, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to do everything in his power to get the stone back.

"Now I will give you a lesson in how to reverse a halted ritual" he said and put it to the ground before blowing it to tiny pieces that scattered in all directions.

"Piecing it together will take forever now, or no time at all depending… In any case, it won't matter to you because this ritual can't be performed for another 11542,5 years. I'm sure you paid attention in Numerology Class. In any case, that means long after you've gone. Oh, you're already leaving, I see"

Waking up to fingers through the hair just felt like bliss, there was simply no other way around it. A really thirsty person would hardly care where the water came from, even if some people would get ideas if they saw it. But the back pain was unsettling, as was the quill tickling his nose, that was a little bit annoying too, it poking him in the eye even more so. His head was resting on knees, he could tell, and crossword page of the Daily Prophet was resting on his chest as if he was a desk.

"'Luck in the Chinese bakery'" Sirius mumbled under his breath.

"Fortune"

Their eyes met, kind of like when you see someone across the street but you're not sure if it's who you think it is.

"Fortune fits" Sirius scribbled.

A wind blew. The plain was from rain.

"When did you get here?"

"We got here last night, but… we ran into some Death Eaters. They have no qualms being ten to two"

"And… Both of you made it out ok, I hope"

"Oh yeah. Prongs just went to return some stuff to the Liberty Cap Health Center. You were practically bleeding to death when we found you, so he got the honours of doing a little bit of burglary"

Memory came back. Disappointment washed over like a cloudburst.

"Shame what happened. Especially since you were so very close, by the sound of it"

Remus looked up at a flock of birds crossing the sky, watched them disappear.

"At least it means there's hope after all" Sirius went on, scribbling some more. "Me, I wasn't even scratching at close…"

Their eyes met again now, and Sirius could just barely keep his side of the gaze.

"I didn't want to say anything… Get your hopes up, so you wouldn't end up disappointed… So hard to explain. One of those things that made sense at the time, and feel so utterly stupid in retrospect. Short version: I am so sorry"

"What for?"

"For objecting so much. If I had come with you from the beginning, it wouldn't have turned out like this"

"That doesn't guarantee that things would have turned out better. The running theme does seem to be that things just can't be predicted"  
Sirius chortled.

"You know, if you would like to swear and curse and say profanities or… whatever, it's all fine"

"What good would come from that?"

"That's not the point. Repressing is bad, I've heard"

"Mindfulness is a wonderful thing. You should try it sometime"

"Because _that _really helps when…" _I make certain jokes, _Sirius decided not to say it. "Looks like you have to put up with my crap a little longer…"

"Hm. Although you seem to have made it a sport to constantly push my buttons… If that's the price I have to pay for a life that's certainly never boring…" Remus smiled a little.

Sirius scribbled on the crosswords. Why did these morning-after talks always feel like therapy, with him as the client?

"So Nostaw got sacked and we're now on our third DADA Professor in one term. That has got to be a record. Charges have been retracted… You're free to return"

"I think I'll pass"

The scribbling stopped.

"Why?"

"What's the point? What difference do my exam results make, or that I always try to stay ahead of everybody else by several years? I'm doomed to be a recluse. So if my choice is between constantly watching my back in such a uncertain environment that really doesn't have anything more to offer me, and growing magic mushrooms on this lovely island in that abandoned barn over there and live a life of creative identity scams… I choose the latter"  
"But-"  
"A psychopath murderer used to live there. He still haunts the place. But it has a very sturdy torture chamber"  
Sirius could in all honesty not blame him.

"In that case, you can't stay here"

"Why not?"

"Because if you're going to start a magic mushroom business and make loads of money, I want in. And don't you think you would benefit from somebody taking care of the contacts? I could benefit from having someone to share my rent and water my already withering plants in my brand new flat on Quakerstreet… Don't look at me like that, it's completely selfish and not at all self-sacrificing on my part, I assure you. There is a lot of money in magic mushrooms! Nope, you're not getting rid of me that easily"

"Well_?" _McGonagall crossed her arms. They were in Dumbledores' office.

"'Well' what?" said James.

"You always say that teachers are useless and that they are puppets under bureaucratic nonsense. So? What are you going to do?"

"Nothing. Apparently he's had just about enough with this place, how very strange…"

James looked up at the broken ceiling and the chandelier that looked as if it was going to fall down any minute now.

"And I thought he was smart" said McGonagall. "Quitting before NEWTS's? Why make things even _more _difficult by refusing to graduate?"

"Apparently he doesn't think he would benefit from a diploma" said Sirius.

"Sounds like growing magic mushrooms is the perfect solution" said James.

McGonagall glanced at Dumbledore.

"Help me, will you?"

"School is important, mkay" said Dumbledore.

"Ok" said McGonagall. "He thinks Hogwarts has nothing left to offer. Is that it? He doesn't think it's difficult enough? Nothing left to learn? That can be taken care of quite easily. Get him here this instant"

She pointed at the fireplace.

"I'll ask" said Sirius.

"No, you handcuff if you have to"

"Or even if you don't" said Dumbledore.

Sirius disappeared in to the fire. An autumn leaf hit the window so it shattered. It became very drafty. McGonagall cast _Reparo. _

"Hogwarts is ranked 11 on the World's Best Magical Schools list" said McGonagall.

"That was in the school paper" James pointed out.

"You said it was the Prophet!" McGonagall told Dumbledore.

"The profit, yes. We rank 11 in the school paper because of the profit we make. Not that we make any profit, but whoever wrote the article didn't do their research"

Sirius returned with Remus in handcuffs. He looked uncharacteristically nonchalant, kind of defiant even.

"Why do you look like you're used to that treatment?" Dumbledore asked, suspicious. McGonagall nudged him.

"Headmaster, that is _not _appropriate!"  
Then she grabbed Remus by the handcuffs.

"Why don't we go outside?"

Outside Dumbledores' office.

"You will come back"

"No"

"You're 16, you're obliged to"

"The law doesn't encompass me"

"Your parents have the final say"

"Doesn't change anything"

McGonagall felt the leather on the handcuffs, wondering where you bought those.

"You think you know so much, don't you? You think that just because you frequent the University of Aurors library, does it mean you're too good for Hogwarts. Well, I bet you can't even… list all the 900 Headmasters of Hogwarts starting with the very first one!"

"Ravenclaw, Cotterill, Dwerryhouse, Honeycut, Nequissimus, Happysnatch-"

"Oh, how _very _impressive" said McGonagall sarcastically. "And I'm sure you know all 300 cardinal healing herbs as well in order of discovery?"

"Ecinacea, Belladonna, Ternifolia, Chamomile-"

"That was an easy one. What is the capital of Assyria?"

"Assur"  
"What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"European or African?"

"European!"

"11 meters per second"

McGonagall had to turn away and dry off a single tear. She turned back and pointed her wand at him threateningly.

"You will come back and that's final, end of discussion! And you will be up to _here _with homework!" she stretched her arms all the way to the ceiling. It was quite a sight to see them grow in length. "So much homework and after-curricular things and it will be so difficult and your head will hurt so much that you will _beg…'Please, can't I just do one of those nursery puzzles that have two pieces? _And then I shan't be merciful!_'_

"And there was a giant beanstalk!" said Peter, excited. "And a castle!"

Professor McGonagall had found a way to convince him to leave the pile of gold under the mountains at last. Turns out teachers were capable of some things.

"A giant beanstalk in _Dante's Inferno?" _ Remus was reading up on magical Kings in the library.

"In _what? _ I ended up in some wonderful fairy tale land!" his eyes were suddenly full of panic. "With _ogres! _ I got turned into a-" suddenly Peter made the sound of a shrieking donkey. He put his hands to his mouth and ran out of the library.

Some books were just impractically large. The entire collection of _Magical Kings and their Wars _took up almost an entire table in the library when opened. By the exact middle page of Volume 10 was Remus still reading about ancient times. The migraine was starting to kick in, as promised.

"You'll never guess who we found" said a voice that could be recognized as Lily, accompanied by steps that were most likely the steps of Cas an Mac. He had barely even registered that anyone had been saying anything, until something soft, beige and a bit allergenic was put right in front of him.

"Bluebell!" said Cas enthusiastically. "Remember? Bluebell, the vanishing glow in the dark rabbit you mentioned so long ago one time? It had six legs, three eyes, and.."

Cas tapped the bell on Bluebells' knitted hat.

"Found him when we were sneaking around at a secret army base" said Lily. "It was the fog, by the way. No gigantic hounds…"

"Bluebell is dead" said Remus, when all appropriate responses had formed.

"No he isn't, see? This one is exactly as you described! One and a half ears, a white tail and… _Obscurus!_"

All light went out, and Bluebell did indeed glow rainbow. Lily put the light back when students started complaining.

"Bluebell is dead. Run over by the Hogwarts Express. I buried him myself" said Remus.

"What if you made a mistake?" said Cas. "Buried the wrong rabbit? OR what if it came out of the ground like a zombie rabbit!"

Bluebell was breathing, so that ruled out the zombie theory. But it did look hungry for brains.

"No. This is not Bluebell. Bluebell was fallow and not cream, he was blind on the right eye and not the middle one, and…" he tapped the bell on the hat. "The hat was crochet, not knitted"

Madam Pince came up to them.

"Where does that come from?"

"A secret army base" said Cas.

"Rabbits aren't allowed at Hogwarts. So, if none of you are the owner…" Pince seized the hissing and spitting rabbit and left with it.

"Have you met the new professor yet?" Mac asked.

"No" Remus brushed rabbit fur from the book with his arm.

"Professor Elddir is just great" said Lily. "If he gets sacked before the NEWT's I shant be merciful"

"He's a bit controversial" said Mac. "He's brought a whole array of special dolls to practice powerful dark magic on. I guess he does have a point, that it can be useful to know the weapon of the enemy"

"Whatever, he's hot" said Cas. "Would Dumbledore hire anybody shady just because they were hot? Don't answer that. Just enjoy it. Anyway…" an expression of compassion took over from Cas's wide beam, which was a bit uncanny. "I just want you know, that whatever happened on that flying saucer, no one will judge you here" She sat down next to Remus and patted him on the back.

"Hm… Thanks, I think"

"Not exactly saying I told you so, but _Scientology?" _Lily shook her head. "I thought you knew better!"

"If you want to talk about what happened" Compassionate Cas made Remus so very uncomfortable. "I am always here. You know, sometimes it's important to talk about difficult things, like probing-"

"That's very kind of you, but all of this is giving me PTSD, so… I don't mean to be rude, but I'd like to be alone"

They left without a fuss. Remus pondered getting that rabbit back, pumping it with steroids and then put it on Sirius' face when he was sleeping.

"Naw, we thought you'd like Bluebell"

Speak of the devil…

"And we worked so very hard on it, too" said James. "Sprout tried to give us crocheting lessons, but our stitching work just made her breakdown after 40 minutes"

"That was very ambitious, getting it to an army base" said Remus.

"Army base? We just put it on the shower curtain rod in the girls' dorm"

He probably needn't pump the rabbit with steroids then, the girls' dorm residents were sure to do it themselves.


End file.
